love?

my grandmother grew up on a farm. she had two red-headed sisters, a red-headed mother, a brother who went to vietnam and a father. her mother would ring the chicken's necks: my grandmother always said her mother liked her other two sisters best, because they were all red-heads. maybe that is why she went so willingly with my grandfather, who became her husband and the richest man in town. they lived in the biggest house and had the nicest cars. they had three girls and a first-born boy that died two weeks after it was born. after her fourth birth, her husband had her tubes tied for her, because her children's blood was somehow toxic to her and each birth had threatened her life greatly. she always felt that she had failed my grandfather by not giving him a son.

my grandfather and his brother were in the business of buying land cheap and selling it later for a higher price to men who would develop the land into strip malls and court houses and funeral homes. after years of deal-making hand-shaking, my great-uncle became the Chairman of the Board of Commissioners, or the head man who told the other head men what to do with land. my grandfather was elected to the state house of representatives and eventually became the go-to guy for the Port Authority, or the people who regulate the ports. He would travel to Japan, Europe, everywhere to try and convince companies to ship their products through our state's port. so basically, my grandmother hit "the jackpot" for women of her time. the thing is, she was also the valedictorian and i think as her life with my grandfather grew, she could see the secret things ($$$).

my mother, then, grew up in unimagined wealth for girls her age. her father was building the town, taking it into the future. he traveled to far away countries and went to elegant balls downtown. they had tennis courts and a pool and dance lessons and all the clothes they wanted. they lived in the biggest house and had the nicest cars. my mother won the local beauty pageant as well as took all the advanced classes at her school. i'm pretty sure she was some kind of princess. But then shit hit the fan when my grandfather started having an affair with another woman and made my grandmother the first divorced woman that anyone knew. eventually my mom became the first person anyone knew who "went away" to college. she eventually met my dad, who was a model, hanging about, but not in, the fraternities at her school. they married in a fit of idealistic rebellion in a huge wedding (paid for by grandaddy) that ended in their flying away in a helicopter. it was ridiculous, i've seen photos.

that lasted thirteen terrible years during which i was born and they divorced after both had cheated. then my mom broke up her professor's marriage only to have that one end, thirteen years later, in more cheating. my dad fucked the entire city for ten years until he found one horrible woman to torment him forever by never having sex with him. these are the romances i grew up with. these and the clinton scandal.

this is how alienated by marriage i feel.

that and the symbolism is really terrible.

more later.