ok so i am going to do something i never do and stream of consciousness write, keroack style. i am not going to worry about punctuation or capitalization or be super punctilious about spelling. i am just going to write what comes to me so here goes:
i just finished three conversations i want to talk about. i want to talk about what we talked about. the first was with a christian man b. mason who owns the local coffee shop and is interested, like me, in ending human trafficking. interesting his name is mason. The second was with my lesbian cousin. The third was with the local lesbian bar fly. Let’s talk about the gay stuff first. So apparently a study was done in the nineties that came up with the notion that most lesbians of the day had turned away from men because they had been betrayed and abused by a man. Upon asking my cousin about this she said she had heard the same thing but that it did not apply to her or her wife. Neither had been abused. In fact, as far as I can tell, they were destined for each other. My cousin works for her mom’s foundation out here in the suburbs, working with the mentally incapacitated (not ill, more retarded). It’s a smallish complex with a pretty limited staff. Somehow this girl, who wasn’t into girls, starts working there, they become friends and end up in love. I mean, do I need to say more? This is God, plain and simple. Here’s my gay girl cousin probably wondering how she’ll find a partner in the suburbs of Atlanta when into her work walks the love of her life. I just don’t see anything wrong with that. So what if she’s a girl in love with a girl? Who cares? Let them eat cake.
I understand there may be some problems unique to being gay, but there are problems unique to being straight, too. Anyway, I was interested in her spirituality and how she felt she fit into Christianity. She spoke to me of being brought up Baptist and struggling with liking girls. How she just never desired men and had never slept with one. And none of this was some reaction to a problem she had with men or one man or anything like what was implied in the study we had both heard of. It was just who she was. She mentioned asking God to take away her impulses in the beginning. Eventually she just accepted it all and found a girlfriend and felt Eros for the first time.
In my first conversation today, with b. mason, we spoke of homosexuality. I mentioned that there was nothing in the Bible about female homosexuality. He read me something in Romans about the lady love. I think it called it perversion of the mind or something. So I think a lot of things. First, my own homosexuality didn’t super work out. I’m just not that into lady gay sex. My first girlfriend, who I brought out of the closet and is super gay, complained all the time about our not having sex. And she was right. We hardly slept together. It wasn’t because I felt like what we were doing wasn’t right or I wasn’t attracted to her or she didn’t turn me on or whatever; I was super attracted to her and she could really turn me on, it’s just that I suffer from sexual issues that make heterosexual sex better for me. Also, she beat the shit out of me one time, something my mom is wont to do. i actually feel like my gay love for this girl had more to do with my relationship with my mom anyway. she like was my mom and in all honesty i was also her mom. we had mommy issues and our relationship played out that drama.
so while for me, i don't think being gay is my thing (although i'm open to it and still attracted to women, especially women who remind me of family members :| ). and while my dad has beaten me up a bit, so has my mom, and so its not like i was running from a dangerous choice in men, because women are just as dangerous to me (more so really, i've never had a boyfriend hit me, and my mom had fucked me up decidedly more times than my dad). and it seems that that is not the case for one of my cousins. however, i have another female cousin who was fucked with by a man and she is also gay. i mean kinda? idk. she looks pretty gay, builds shit with tools, and fucks women, but recently she's been hooking up with a guy? idk, my point is there is no hard and fast rule for sexuality, why it is the way it is or even if it will last forever. i mean, there are tales of people "seeing the light" and coming back to heterosexuality. some of them, like mr. mason, even claim it's a mental illness they've been "cured" of. i suppose for some people it could be. idk. also i believe there is a big different between lady gay and dude gay. sometimes i think girl gay is ok but guy gay is like a little less so? or at least men seem more troubled by their homosexuality, as do other people for the most part. i guess it's the mechanics. lady gay sex is generally less "violent", maybe, if you want to get down to brass tax.
and then gay dudes have shit like bottom shame, and circuit parties, and nut butter and tops and bottoms and power bottoms and verse guys. i mean even gay men will tell you how much they hate gay men and gay culture in general. i cant tell you how many times my gay friends delete and redownload grindr and all the apps over and over. mr. mason says that the "mental illness" of gay men stems from a lack of a father figure teaching these men how to be men. but like what are men anyway? what makes a man a man? do they always need to be "taught" how to be a man? how useful/appropriate is this anyway? so what if a boy wants to paint his nails or wear jewelry or bright, fun colors? does any of that make him gay anyway? my friend wanted to dance when he was growing up and his parents stopped him. eventually his father did become estranged to him and his mother was super suffocating and (so) he was gay. idk. sometimes i do think male homosexuality is like an allergic reaction to too much female from a mother who is just too much in evidence. but that's not always the case. my other friend seemed to have normal relations with both his parents but is like a platinum gay. also he just looks super gay, not like my other friend with the crazy mom and absent dad, who could be straight (and even confessed to me once that sometimes he looks at men and women and is like, yeah, that makes sense). like yeah, what is it with guys just looking gay? cuz thats a thing i think. and then there's the whole masculinity issue. like your a gay guy, attracted to men, so like what, the more masculine the better? its like that for some guys. but then what's up with all these feminine guys? idk
then there's the whole issue with homosexuality about dating yourself. like my friend with the absent dad and nutso mom had literally dated a guy with his name. it was nuts. they even had the same birthday! wtf right. also their fathers died the same death: bladder cancer. weird huh? and then my exgf, her next gf after me had her name! like what the actual fuck. there is this lesbian couple on instagram i follow who look just alike. i mean that kinda appeals to me? idk. but this begs the question: how much can you really grow dating yourself? and i feel like the answer is, um, A LOT. like my gay guy friend who dated the dude with his name, i don't know if he recognized it or not, but the problems he had with this guy were like problems i felt he had. like he would complain about how this dude didn't super ask him how he was or whatever. sometimes i felt like my friend was like that... it all just reminds me of my first thought upon understanding what gay meant: so you're attracted to yourself? like, you desire your own genitalia? why not just sit around like tracy jordan says and "look at your own junk"?
anywho i bring all this up to introduce the idea that everything is personal, a journey, and can change. also to bring up the notion that counterculture things are ok for some people, not ok for others, and that everyone can change their minds.
so let's talk about stuff with this b. mason character. we were introduced by my "friends" carol and kay, two mature christian ladies i met when carol and her people knocked on my door to proselytize. i talked to them all for a long time about God and my feelings about religion and the fact that i was a witch. now we meet regularly to discuss religion, god and witchcraft. they are trying to "save me" you see, and, in some ways, i am also trying to "save" them. they want to save me from the dangers of witchcraft and a life in hell or whatever. i want to save them from a lack of self realization and being condemned to sinners and second class citizens with no personal power to change their lives, the world or their experiences. its really an exercise in being polite, listening and smiling. you see, we are all trying to "represent" our given "faiths" to the best of our ability so that the other doesnt think that all witches/christians are bitches and fucked up and forsaken. its going really well. seriously lol.
for me it started as opposition research for my book, a window into the modern christian mind so to speak. for them they get to show a wayward sinner the path back to christ and read the bible and save my soul and all that. we do read the bible, which is pretty fun because as you all know i super love god and jesus is my boyfriend and there are even some magic instances in it, namely when Jacob (?) uses his knife to make holes in the wood behind the cows trough in order to make them spotted and speckled so that he wins his wager with his employer that he is to receive all the spotted and speckled calves as payment for his work; also the instance (i heard this from b. mason today and have never stumbled upon this passage myself) whereupon "god" decides to curse the jews wandering in the wilderness after leaving egypt with a plague of snakes, for whatever reason "god" has. he then tells moses the cure to this curse is to make a snake out of bronze, set it upon a staff, and hold it high over the people's heads and have them look at it. this is supposed to save them from the snake bites they have received, which technically "god" gave them. which brings up one of my contentions with christianity in general. what is this shit about "god" cursing a people, or letting them "fall", and then "saving" them from what he let happen? if god is all powerful, why did he even make it possible for adam and eve to be tempted? why did he make them "fall"? why and HOW was their "sin" passed on to us at birth? why does the devil even exist? why does god allow the devil to do anything (because, as my christian friends have taught me, god lets the devil act and even controls his actions???)? and why did jesus "die" for this sin, if it all could have been avoided? its like, did god make a mistake, then send his "son" to correct that mistake? is jesus correcting a world his father fucked up? like what is that? and for that matter, HOW is jesus dying on the cross supposed to wash away our sins? like, what witchcraft is this? what is the mechanism whereby all people's "sins" are transferred to this man? people past present and future? and what does his dying have anything to do with redeeming us? i guess the answer is he died in our place, "for our sins". but like, how? how does his death remove our sins? we still die, so how did he "die in our place"? and if he "died for our sins" why didn't he stay dead? why did he rise from the grave and chance "resurrecting" those sins? and like what was the point of this resurrection? just to prove he could, just to make sure people knew he was the son of God? just like flash and spectacle and blood?
see, from my perspective, jesus died to conquer death, to show us that when we "die" we don't really "die", and that even to be crucified is not to take away your joy or agency or purpose for living. it also demonstrated that there are some things worth dying for (i guess mankind, but really i was thinking more along the lines of super obedience). he was a political/spiritual liability to his environment, as all rebels are, and had to be stopped. because if people went around forgiving each other and loving each other and believing the kingdom of god is within it just wouldn't work for the romans, pharisees, and others jews. that ideology didn't fit with the power structure of the times and so jesus was put to death. i identify with this. as a magic user, i am persecuted and my "doctrine" of self empowerment and controlling your own reality and serving god through magic is dangerous to the establishment, my family, my neighborhood, the police, the government, the cabal, satan, the freemasons and all secret societies in general. because they covet this knowledge and perspective, they have systematically hidden their/my/our power from us in the hopes that we won't find it or the fact that they hid it or who they are even. they have made magic exclusive, to their families, genders, caste and whatever other qualifying factors they choose to stratify us by. but the base of the matter is jesus performed miracles and was lead by god to do so and spread the message of direct revelation and personal power: he said "ye are gods", he said "these things and greater shall you do", he said "I am the life and the way, follow me". i feel as if am following christ by doing magic, by putting myself equal with god and rejecting the idea that i am some powerless sinner ever to grovel at the feet of the establishment. heck, i feel like jesus DID magic: i mean what else would you call spitting in the dust and putting the mud on some blind guy's eyes and his sight returning to him? what else would you call turning water to wine, or walking on water, or feeding the five thousand with two fish and five loaves of bread, or whatever it was. das magic folks, plain and simple.
this brings up a point my christian ladies and i argue about all the time: they believe we're supposed to try to be like christ but can like never attain this goal. i believe some of us are christs. we may not die and come back to life in such a dramatic fashion (although according to god in conversations with god, we ultimately choose when we die and if upon our death we want to keep living, we "come back to life") and we may not perform miracles as immediately apparent as christ, but many of us do perform miracles. if we can't be a christ, then what is the point? what was the point of jesus showing us the way if we weren't supposed to be just like him? it just confounds me that these christian ladies believe they're playing a game they like can't win. be like christ, but you'll never be christ. like what is that? also, its just not possible, to me, that there was only ever one man, one time that attained the highest consciousness a human can possibly attain. i do not believe anyone has attained higher than christ on this planet, but i believe many have come equally far. and i believe it is possible to achieve christ consciousness, even without being perfect, or hailed as a messiah, or being recognized at all. i believe we can be a christ. i do. i've met them, i meet them all the time. and i feel like I am one. i spread the word, i try to love everybody, i get crucified in the process. im just a female christ. which is different from a male one. that's why i stress so much the magdalene, the female christ. because women are different and their path as a messiah is different. and i believe it involves magic and saving the girls.
the fact of the matter is, everything is magic. baking bread is magic, dancing is magic, tvs and the internet and watches are all magic. do you know how intricate, complex and involved it is to make a watch? like what??? gears and spinning plates and whatever else. i believe it involves crystals, too, as does radio and cell phones and idk what else. i mean, making a salad is magic, language is magic: why do you think they call it spelling? why do you think the bible and metaphysics and judaism are so into the tongue and speech and words? because you create what you speak. you call that reality into being when you say it. the power of GOD is at the tip of your tongue. and that is the foundation of magic. its really just a language you use to speak your intention to the divine. it's basically prayer, but grounded and emphasized and made real through rocks and plants and stars and symbols.
and these christian ladies just like, don't believe me. they believe we are like animals or art or idk playthings of the divine? we ourselves have no personal power. we are just lowly sinners, supplicating and prostrating and obeying this wrathful god who acts like some human despot and is endowed with human traits like anger, jealousy and rage. but he loves us. i mean wtf. first of all, god is not human, and does not, i believe, have human emotions, reactions or characteristics/thinking patterns; nor does "he" have human genders, a body, or physical intentions even. i mean, does a shooting star seen in a moment of anguish have a gender? no. to me, God is more of a process, or life, or an artist, not some old white guy in the sky who sees and hears everything, including our thoughts, and decides if we are "good" or "bad" and whether or not to give us what we ask for.
do you really think "he" told us not to eat of some tree, then made us eat of the tree, then condemned us for this, threw us out of paradise, then chose able's sacrifice of blood and flesh over cain's sacrifice of plants for whatever reason, watched cain kill able and then all the rest? like, what IS this shit? how is "god" god like at all here? how do the collective stories and myths we tell ourselves and our children and perpetuate through media and religion and all of it inform our behavior? the fact is the christian god acts like a human and is kind of a dick, and so we tell ourselves we are justified in also being a dick because that is how we think god is, too. i mean, i read genesis the other day. i found nothing "spiritual" there. no advice, no solace, just some girl Dinah having premarital sex and her brothers like killing her lover and his entire town. just people being shady and fucking each other over and being barren. and these are the foundational stories of our people. people live and die by this stuff. people will kill other people for just saying that this old old book is not their truth. i mean, do you all even know about the council of nicea, when MEN, humans, mortals, decided which of the christian texts of the time were "holy" and which weren't? which to include in the official canon of christianity and which were too "radical" or "dangerous" or just out there to include? do you not understand that this is straight up social programming? this is censoring. the fact is, the bible is a political text created to control society. do yall even know about the dead sea scrolls? the gospel of mary magdalene? all the gnostic texts? also, even christian scholars will tell you the men who wrote the bible were generally writing in metaphor. these were parables, anthropomorphized renditions of moral ideas of the time that these men had no idea would be passed down for thousands of year and thought of as actually, literally true. so when anyone points to the bible to convince me witchcraft is "bad", i just want to laugh.
the funny thing is, those "in charge", the 13 families, freemasons, whoever, look down on us and laugh as we argue over the threads in the garments of ghosts. they know that we are all "made in god's image" aka imbued with his power. you think god would make slaves to just run around and obey him? like, why? what fun is that? what's the point? im not a parent and never will be, but i can imagine it's more fun to watch your children grow and create who they are and live their lives according to what drives them deep down (that is a reflection of what is deep down in you, too), rather than to dictate the rules and path of their lives and then to watch them either succeed and conform to your idea of who they should be and where they should go, or "fail" and disobey you. I mean i don't know anything, but i feel like god wants us to create, as he does, rather than obey. because when we "obey" we are not really growing, are we? we are not discovering different paths and ideas and people, testing ourselves and those around us, stretching and learning and deciding our notions of what is effective or not for us, others, and the world. i mean, yes its good to be aware of god's preferences and what will hurt us and who will betray us and all that, but i just don't feel like any one religion has that down yet. certainly christianity doesnt and when christians believe they alone should be in power and all else is wicked and should be cast down, they make themselves idols.
i do not believe god prefers us to be any religion as there are many paths up the mountain (and technically, the u.s. is based upon this idea). i believe all religions can hurt us (especially catholicism as it burned to death many of my predecessors, not to mention the trail of broken children it has left it its unholy trudge through time) and any person of any "faith" can betray any of us. there is no color or creed or gender or age or sexual orientation to someone who means you harm. and the worst thing of all is to lie and cheat and rape and murder in the name of god. you think god wanted all those muslims killed in the crusades, or all those people's lives islam has claimed to die, or the christians in korea, or the hindus wherever for whatever reason? NO! fucking no. but at the same time, does god blanket condemn killing? i think not.
first of all, death is not the end and some people are so heinous and misapprehending that they need to end their incarnation on this plane and go chill with god and readjust their world views. like freemasons. i just don't think that taking magic and keeping it from half the population is right, not to mention the inner politics of the temple wherein older members manipulate and withhold information from the neophytes that they fucking need; like the fact that the blood oaths they take in the beginning are REAL, and the girls they fuck in their rituals are MURDERED when they get too old or diseased or whatever. or like the fact that the "god" they are worshipping is actually satan and all that they have given up to follow him and receive his "gifts" were their birthright and available to them from the divine regardless of affiliation with their "brothers" or knowledge of their dogma. and not to mention the men who aren't "brothers" who are denied this knowledge.
i acutally was given a tour of the local temple recently. its so funny. they fucking let me in, showed me around, let me use their bathroom. when i went into their "sanctuary" i felt something, which is unusual for me as i do not usually feel things physically, but i did. my breath was taken away, i was cold, i felt agitated and anxious and like jittery. i reacted, and the "worshipful master" who was giving me the tour noticed. it was nuts. anywho, i went all around and looked and analyzed and found a dead cockroach (a symbol of negative thoughts), which i picked up and threw away. when i went downstairs to where they were eating i listened to them speak as i analyzed their interior design. what stood out to me was some man said "this is a bad crowd". indeed. not because it was homogenous, it wasn't (it seemed like all types of men were there), but by virtue of the fact that women were not present. i feel. idk, you get that many insecure men together who feel that they need something outside themselves to give them power, over hundreds of years, with "exclusive" access to magic and its systems, divination, and all the money and power that that entails, idk, it just doesn't seem good. and, honestly, im not the only one who thinks so. nearly all of media speaks this truth: that the freemasons are a plague, not just on women and the earth, her nations, economies, and governments, but on sex, spirituality and collective public symbolism, not to mention that they are surely a plague on themselves. you think old ass freemasons are happy, or even content? at peace? have joy/good sex/nice lives? having to lie to everyone but your "brothers", watch your back all the time, even and especially from these "brothers", and suck each other off even if you're not naturally inclined to, FOR DECADES? idk doesnt seem too good a bargain, even if you get "paid" because what you give for it is your sanity, sanctity and sex.
and like, let go deeper. let's talk about the bloodline families that run shit even deeper than the masons. you think those fuckers are happy? drinking the blood of "orphans" and only marrying their "kind" and sucking up to daddy and granddaddy and the fucking reptilian demons and drinking themselves into comas and having orgies with children, people they don't love, people in their families? fighting with other bloodlines, watching us peons run around with our phones, fucking each other on tinder or hinge or plenty of fish, and laughing at it all, completely devoid of mirth, incapable of love, tainted by death and satan and so so so much money? you think that's the life? or let's go another direction: celebrities, actors, singers. you think these people have peace? do you know what its like to be followed everywhere, stalked, maligned, manipulated by the media, recognized all over, unable to escape your own face, reputation, past? do you know what its like to have some stranger pass judgement on you because of what they've read about you or heard someone say or saw on the internet? and then do you know what it's like to have that stranger (who almost certainly doesn't know the full story, context, or feelings involved) say some shit to you? Cuz i kinda do and its nuts. it ain't fun, folks.
and that is their LIFE. not to mention you're entirely used. most singers don't write their unholy songs. most actors don't know shit. just ask brooke shields: they don't know how the camera is looking at them, caressing their body, what the editors are going to do; they don't know what what they're doing means, how it will affect people, stand the test of time. they don't know the symbolism of what their outfits in movies, what the colors or patterns they wear MEAN, or what the symbolism of their environs are in these movies. that's why people like robin williams went crazy and didn't even know why. his roles and their "stories" and what they "said" were at complete odds to what the symbols in these movies were saying. and im sure he had no idea. watch patch adams. think about the numbers and colors and symbols in the movie in terms of the real reality of symbolism i have laid out here, in my blog. you'll see an entirely different "story" being told than brave, brilliant rebel changes the face of medicine, overcoming even the death of a loved one (for one thing, its stupid that his partner dies. given her personal history, and how she felt about her killer, she would never act in the way the leads to her death). its fucked.
unless an actor is aware and well versed in the symbols and meaning of what they are doing, wearing, saying, and surrounded with (and most aren't) then they're just tools in the belt of the director, producers, film companies and their owners (who are like Coke, and Nestle, and bullshit corporations trying to convince you to consume, consume, consume). dangerous ass tools that make people believe things about life, themselves, and the world. You think nicole kidman, who i actually think is soooo beautiful and soooooo talented, KNOWS what her movies mean, on a symbolic, subconscious, liminal level? at the level of the very words she speaks? do you think she knows about the archetypes she's embodying and their history and meaning and implications? do you think she knows that in nearly every movie of hers she plays a "sex slave" or worse? i mean have you seen the human stain? or birth? or cold mountain? honestly, i hope she is unaware. because if she is aware of the subliminal story she's "selling" as she's reading her lines and doing her acting and simulating sex with old men at the advent of the creation of viagra, then fuck her. fuck her. fuck all actresses. fuck hollywood. its all trash, man. as far as i can tell, the only people who are telling true tales anymore are Tina Fey, Amy Pohler, Andy Samberg, and Will Farrell.
but, really, what do i even mean? do i mean hollywood, acting itself, being ignorant is "wrong"? for one thing i don't super believe in right and wrong. i mean, in the past it was "right" to burn witches, in las vegas its "ok" to fuck a prostitute, but down the street its not. and if right and wrong are contingent on time and space so much, what do they even mean? is it wrong to be gay, fat, depressed, have a big ass or a bunch of trash in your car? or no ass and a psychotically clean car? is it wrong to rebel against your parents, your church, your government? some say it is not only your right, but your moral imperative to question authority, and then rebel if you feel the need. america was based on such a rebellion. but is it "ok" for the protesters in hong kong to be violent? is it ok to have sex without love, with whips and chains, in the ass, on the beach, with no protection, with protection? is it ok to take the government's money, or to refuse to pay taxes because you believe it's actually illegal for the government to make us pay taxes, or because you don't like that tons of your hard earned dollars go to killing people you've never met, or to fund mind control experiments behind closed doors, or to support secret agents across the globe who just point and shoot at whoever because their boss told them to? is it "right" or "wrong" to get high, dance, drink, fuck a black guy, or someone outside your faith? is it wrong to fall in love with a character in a book, or someone online half a world away that benefits from your status as an american with a steady paycheck? is it wrong to dye your hair, change your nose, get fake tits? and if all that's ok, then is it somehow wrong to reassign your gender? and is it wrong to just mention to kids that this is an option for them one day if they so choose? is anything right or wrong? and who's to say? i mean, what if something is "right" for you but "wrong" for someone else? like in Ayurveda, it's not "good" for pitta people to act spontaneously, or eat whatever, or else they get skin problems. but being spontaneous is like ideal for another dosha (energy type). and is any of this "wrong"? is it "wrong" to even turn to ancient Indian health care over western medicine? for that matter, is it "right" for a company to pay $80 to have some spine screw made, sell it for $800 to a hospital which turns around and charges us $8,000 to insert it into your spine? I don't know. and who's to say that in a hundred years (or across the aisle, down the street, or over the ocean even) the general consensus of what's right and wrong won't be totally different.
all i know is what feels good for me. it feels right to fight the freemasons with magic, to fight for the men and women (and children) in captivity in underground bunkers forced day in and day out to suck dick or eat dirty ass or take it up the butt. it feels right to visit the jail and pick up the trash around there and right any bad magic i may find. it feels good to visit the catholic church and steal small items from the crumbling trailers they surreptiously keep out back and fill with dark magic. it even feels right to attack the perpetrators of these sick systems.
i have been fucking with the freemasons and the human trafficking trade and the catholic church for a decade and a half now. this mostly entails going on their property and moving stuff, or leaving stuff, or anointing stuff, or occasionally inscribing stuff onto their air vents or water pipes or out of the way walls or whatever. i try never to do permanent damage, but i don't hide what im doing. i dont hide who i am or what i think or feel. one time a priest waved his child molesting hand at me as i attempted to undo some of his dark magic (after this i had a dream i kicked out one of the strands of a giant, bloody spider web no one else could see). so far, it has gotten me into some trouble, but nothing the universe hasn't prepared me for and nothing that didn't turn out to have a higher purpose. like recently, i did some magic against this antichrist patriarch loser in my family. i sent him a letter. through the mail. it was essentially innocuous but not necessarily anodyne. shit blew up, as i knew it would. i was prepared and as a follower of the rebel side of christ, i was "crucified" (aka sent to the psych ward).
now the psych ward is a mixed bag. its super fun and super fucked. its super fucked because you can't leave, there's no art in or design to the ward, the nurses usually suck, people are screaming and laughing and crying all the time, the food gives you indigestion, people tell you what to do, the "groups" are a joke that you have to attend, the showers suuuuuuuck, you can't really shave, they watch you around the clock and they try to force you to take pills. also in some places they have some magic or something in place that keeps you from being able to visualize, also sometimes there is straight up dark magic or even demons/ghosts in those places. now the good things about the psych ward are that the food tastes good, the people are always interesting and its sort of a meeting of minds in a way, you don't have to cook, clean, or shower or get dressed really or wear a bra or do your make up. you just chill. with "crazy" people. its awesome. you get to hear amazing/terrible stories/theories, read and watch tv as much as you want, sleep whenever, and they usually give you food when you're hungry between meals. oh and sometimes there's a nurse that really rocks, you make friends for life, or you have a brief, trauma bonded "romance". there can be clay and karaoke and fortune telling (if you get your oracle past the nurses). so it's hell/paradise.
the crazy thing about the psych ward for me, though, is that i meet a lot of "projections". this is the concept of a person that you know already who shows up in your life in another form, with a different name, story, personality, whatever, but the essence, the flavor, the archetypal energy of this person has carried over into your life in this new form. so this past time in the psych ward i met my past self when i first went to the psych ward and i was able to "help" her through this trying time in her young life, i met my ex girlfriend and was able to figure some stuff out pertaining to her and our relationship that was never super resolved, and i also met other parts of myself: my psychotic bitch self who just went around to everyone and said fuck you! (this is almost a constant personality in every psych ward, and she usually has lots of facial hair lol), my unhealed shadow self who had lupus and hadn't gotten laid in half a decade and lived with her controlling mom, my like worst version self who was super fat, missing a bunch of teeth, stole people's food, was homeless, and had never had consensual sex. not to mention the late appearance of my mother in the form of a fat bitch who liked to dance, jiggling be damned. so, yeah, its fun, educational, and enlightening. i was able to touch minds, hearts, and spirits in ways i otherwise wouldn't have if i had not sent that letter. but idk man. its rough out here for a witch.
for one thing, my chosen archetype, the female christ, her story and advice and path is "hidden" as well as manipulated into false versions: a false grail drama (like mr and mrs smith). she has been castrated from her role as christ's bride and her preferred method of action, magic aka symbolic manipulation of energy, has been cast as demonic. now herein lies the crux: i have, until i listened to the How Plants and Drugs Affect You episode of the podcast Let's Get Metaphysical, smoked pot like all day every day for like 15 years, right. and, according to Renata, this has opened me up to the vulnerability of being possesed by all entities, benign, detrimental, angelic, you name it. and so the concept that i could be doing all this magic, even for the sake of others, has been at the behest of these malignant entities haunts me. and honestly, im starting to believe it. because, you see, i'm utterly destitute (but perhaps even this is part of the plan? wasn't jesus "destitute"?). i am sitting at the library right now writing this because i can no longer afford internet. i am on disability, food stamps, and i get a ton of my food from nice christians at the co op down the street. i can't truly afford to have a car, i go deeper into debt everyday and cannot get a job, though i am super qualified for many. all because i have been blackballed by the shadow government i fight. i mean its nuts.
i'll get a job and then like i can't sign into the portal to do the paperwork to get properly hired and the hr lady that's supposed to help me mysteriously disappears and the job i interviewed for, got hired for, paid for a piss mask and pissed in a cup for, just disappears for no good reason. i literally got hired by this childcare place that was AMAZING, right around the corner, $20 an hour, nice kids, staff, boss, perfect. they trained me, did the background check, the whole thing. i did my first day, it was great, a god send, sui generis. i did nothing wrong, swept the floor twice after moving the furniture around to get every corner, loved the kids, the other teachers were like yo, we're so glad you're here, we need you. the next day i come in and my boss like wont look me in the eye as she asks me about my other "jobs" and if this is like my only source of income because she "thought about it" (heard from the fuckers) and decided she didn't need me. um, wtf. this is like not a thing. you hire someone, train them, they work their first day, the staff tells them they're needed: you need them. its business. and this is like how it goes. i run into opportunities everywhere, and none of them work out for "no reason". i talked to this guy who was canvassing for planned parenthood for a long time, even told him about my conundrum with the cabal and their blackballing me. he was like, oh that's nothing, we have people try to murder us. i was like great, when can i join? he got my info, promised he would reach out, he was like the head of the chapter for my city so it wasn't like he was some grunt who didn't have the power to hire me, never heard from him. randomly, a few weeks ago, i did get some email from someone at planned parenthood, ostensibly, offering me a job. i was super into it, we emailed for a while but when i tried to pin a time down to meet, she "disappeared".
one time i went into a flower shop down the road with a hiring sign and they told me they had hired someone. the sign has been up for months since then. so, yeah, i think i'm going to sell my car. i mean, i have to. and this brings up a point id like to make, it's all just experiences. as a writer, i am constantly trolling the world for stories. so now i know what its like to go to a christian co op and ask for food from strangers surrounded by indigent other strangers. i know what its like to go to the psych ward, have an abortion, be thought of as "dangerous", have my experiences held as invalid, be labeled a heretic and satanist and be ostracized from every group imaginable, all the while enduring psychological/spiritual/magical warfare wherein "people" come in my house when im not there and fuck with my magic, terrorize my cat, and break shit. and THEN have no one believe any of this. and THEN the cops like set a trap for me when im high and carrying and have the universe get me out of it. and you know what? im still here. im still alive. and it's all just stories i can use later.
i acutally feel that sometimes the universe is preparing me to be homeless and you know what? ill be ok if that happens. because its an experience and brings richness and depth to my story, personality and energy. i'll be able to see life from a whole new perspective, have crazy ass experiences, meet wild ass people, probably fuck a whole new strata of folks. and its all OK. no one can ever remove my knowledge or history or self assurance or competence or skills or relationship with the divine. ill probably be able to do a whole lot more magic in places i'd never have gone otherwise if i become unhoused. and sometimes i think the universe it preparing me to hit the jackpot. to live a life of extraordinary luxury and beauty and fashion. and that would be ok, too. honestly, ill probably do both, and that makes me happy, to know one day ill have the money of the fuckers i fight but with the compassion and experience of a street rat. and REALLY, its all up to me. i could focus really hard and knock out this book and get it published and get famous and change the world and be the next jk rowling (but better, cuz harry potter is godless, false grail drama, freemason trash).
but i mean, do i want that? do i want to be recognized everywhere i go, hounded by the paparazzi, surrounded by yes men? am i ready for that, is that the life i want, a life worth living, the life GOD wants for me? i mean no? not right now, at least. id rather be homeless than famous. it affords me more privacy to do the dirty work of magic: picking up trash, fucking with the magic at bars, and temples, and businesses, talking to the homeless, or janitors, or the itinerant monk. i couldn't do that stuff, which is important, if i were "famous". i mean, imagine jesus today, right. he would be super hounded, miracles documented with a million iphones, face on every tv, all of it. he'd have to be ready for that, want that, know the pitfalls of that world. and while i have made fame a study, and believe one day i could lead a public life if it were asked of me and navigate it as successfully as anyone can, im just not super into it, ya know? i like being able to eat what i want, go where i want, do whatever or whoever i want, say what i want (though i always try to be courteous and reasonable because like i said, possible public life one day). i can serve god and fight the bad guys and write, paint and read as much as i want to right now and i know that all would change if i "tried harder" and "made it" and suddenly people "looked to me". and yeah i may owe it to myself and the world to achieve a larger platform one day, but not today, not even soon. i enjoy my life too much. its too much fun not having a job and seeing to the core of things and knowing how to affect reality beyond what my hands and words do. but idk man. i have really fucked shit up, for myself and the world, from a certain point of view. like, money, dude, i ain't got it and i don't super know how to go about getting it anymore given my history of fighting with the fuckers who control it. but at the same time, not having money is super freeing. like i can't buy anything, i just can't, so i don't shop (in person or online), i dont desire or covet things because i just plain can't have them. so really, im free of the consumerism that's careening our culture to certain catastrophe. and i like that.
also, if i can't get a job you can be sure that i can't have a relationship. lol. its nuts. so as a magdalene, i seek out christ, right? he's my natural partner. and i find that man everywhere, especially when i go to new places. the thing is, technically there's a christ in every community. and by now i can like feel him. so we chat and get deep and i enlighten him as the magdalene is wont to do and he's enamored and sometimes we hook up, but not usually, and then that's it. even if we exchange information, even if he promises to text, call, write, even if i tell him he's going to be approached by some nebulous force that knows everything about him and threatens/bribes him into never talking to me again and he affectionately scoffs at my meshuganas and still promises to call, I really never hear from him again. every time. which, like isn't possible unless something or someone is interfering (which i know they are, one guy all but told me so. in college, "they" would send fake emails to me "from my girlfriend" calling me fat and shit. one time i had hung out with me exbf and had sent him a message saying not to tell her; they fucking sent it to her and she freaked out. and there are a million other examples and instances that happen literally every day). sometimes we'll text, we might even meet up, but it never works out because even though we're a cosmic couple, no one you just meet, no matter how instant, deep, or charming the connection, is worth your mother's life, or your source of income, or some cash windfall, whatever. idk, its all a mystery, what they tell them, but every man, and woman (because sometimes i meet other magdalenes im interested in), just disappears.
and so i ask myself: is it worth it? is fighting this war really what im supposed to be doing? is it really GOOD, or effective, or advantageous in anyway? is it even god directing me? did i smoke satan into my heart and mistake him for god and fight a war that can't be won for a people who will never know me? people who i've never met, who don't, when i meet projections of sex slaves, even seem to know they're captive and certainly don't think they need my help? should i give up my life, my money, my relationships, my reputation, everything, for this nebulous cause? but like, isn't that what jesus calls us to do? isn't that what he did? it's weird because i grew up reading animorphs. obsessed. went every month to the book store around the corner and picked up my new copy, eager to see the new transition my "friends" jake, cassie, rachel, marco, tobias, and ax made every month on the cover. i spent like half my early adult life in a chatroom called the space bar, pretending to be an andalite named war prince kaymus (who was a dude lol) and cyber fighting other kids. my point is, those books conditioned me to fight a war that cannot be won for a people who don't even know you're fighting for them against an enemy that cannot be known. i lived for that shit. i loved the moral conundrums and twists of good and evil in the plots; i think it was as close to spirituality and metaphysics as i knew how to get at the time. i breathed the ambiguity, insanity, and bittersweet agony of their war as i grew up. i think i came to understand that interracial dating was ok from cassie and jake's romance. anyway, i bought the whole lot off ebay back when i had expendable cash and the other day i read the very last one. it does not end well. rachel dies, none of the animorph romances survive the war, and the end is just the beginning of another war. i mean they do "win" but like, at what cost? it just makes me wonder where I'll end up if I keep fighting...
but i know that magic works. beyond a doubt. but honestly, it never does what i intend, and often the result isn't "good". other witches i meet seem wack and if we try to relate it never works out. i've never been successful at teaching anyone else magic. and all this tells a sort of story about magic itself. am i wasting my life? are the christians right? should i give it all up? but how? it's like trying not to read anymore when there are words all around. it's like trying to stop seeing colors once you've seen colors. and really, what its like is watching someone being raped and not doing anything about it. and all it takes for evil men to triumph is for good people to do nothing, right? but idk. everyone thought jesus would cast the romans down, but it turns out he didn't and never intended to. but i just can't see anything wrong with combining elements of nature, with knowledge of their properties, to concentrate your intention into a cohesive, cogent, physical prayer so that the subconscious layers of reality know what you want. also, there is just no way, NO WAY, i can ever stop seeing magic. i mean, i can always see the plants and the sky, the letters and numbers and colors and shapes; and it feels like i'm reading the mind of god when i see all this through the lens of magic.
Ok so something just happened that maybe might have made this all clear. This guy just came into the library and I noticed him because he just looked a little dangerous and hard and dirty. He came up to the computer next to mine and made me move my bag after I asked him to use another computer. He smelled and had a red and black hat on so I left my computer and went to another. Turns out I couldn’t log in because I was still logged in on the other. I went back to log out and the guy was using my computer, my login, my identity in the library. I would liken this to my mind and Satan possibly? Like by doing magic Satan is attracted to me and sidles up next to me and eventually takes over my mind/computer? Idk. I’m on my phone now which is significantly slower typing into. Anyway, I just wonder who’s calling the shots here (in my mind) because I will follow my instinct and be led to amazing things as well as terrible things. And are Satan and God even different in essence? I mean, isn’t everything God, including Satan? Is Satan like some rebellious finger in the body of God that’s now cancerous and threatening the rest of the hand? My friend Andrew had a dream one time that I thought was about me wherein some girl he knew who wasn’t me had gone into some cave you weren’t supposed to go in and had awakened some monster turtle who was killing everyone. But like, the bad guys are using magic! For sure! Fight fire with fire, right? But then you just burn the whole place down… idk. In conversations with God God doesn’t say not to use magic, Neal even talks about his mom reading cards and being a devout Christian and a miracle a of a woman. At the end of one of his letters at the beginning of the book he even says something kinda witchy: blessed be, I think it was. God does talk about how burning witches is bad… but then he mentions something one time about breaking some rule in the game of life in the context of a football game and how that was like a forty yard penalty and I always wondered if he meant magic…
am i, myself, in a false grail drama? is this really how its supposed to go? i have no idea. and maybe i went the wrong way all this time so that i could turn from this path and tell others the tale. it would be so like me. after all, i read tarot for 13 years, decided it was freemason bullshit and just put it away one day. i mean, jesus cast demons out of mary magdalene, right? and perhaps there's a time and place for everything, even magic? but its not like i can't stop, and i have, but the bad guys like came at me harder. so, given my history of fighting, is it even feasible for me to stop? and like, where is god in all this? is it not "part of the plan" that i studied art and literature and metaphysics and learned about symbolism and energy and then went on to combine them and understand that ultimately as magic? like, truly, i feel uniquely prepared to fight this fight and in some ways it feels like my destiny, especially because of my freemason grandfather who i feel like laid the foundation for modern sex trafficking back in the 70s.
but i am super into changing my mind, but about something as fundamental to me as magic? i have come to understand that some kinds of magic are not great like tarot, dungeons and dragons, and all things egyptian. but i mean, kids believe in magic, naturally. they just do. doesn't that mean that its real, and innocent, and can produce good? It’s like energy or electricity or fire or the internet: it can be amazing and wonderful and beautiful or it can absolutely ruin your life. It’s what you DO with it that matters. i suppose I could just do good magic. it seems to simple an answer but perhaps that is it... but i feel like i always do magic for a good reason. but, yes, it is not always "good" magic. and i admit, my "bad" magic has certainly gotten way out of hand...
so, have i sacrificed all my life for naught? You know one time I had a reading and the guy told me I was a “sacrificial lamb” in that I like heal the world by healing myself. But, have i taken up my grandfather's sins and tried to atone for them at the cost of my entire life? (But really who am I in the grand scheme of things? Is it not worth it to sacrifice anything for the greater good?) Am I even right about all that, about all the symbols and hidden meaning and secret systems? for instance: recently i thought i saw a ton of bad magic at this church down my road. it was pretty standard bad magic. but then one day i went to the church and the people were AMAZING and the preacher's sermon like changed my life. so wtf right. perhaps the actual owners of the church are not good? and this brings something else up about "bad" magic thats confusing. like, ill go somewhere and the fucking trash is bad magic, arrayed and relating and "saying" bad things. sometimes this feels intentional and sometimes i feel like this arrangement is just like the negative subconscious of humans played out. its just the ether. and then i feel crazy. like are the doctors, my family, society at large right and I am just crazy? I don’t know. But I think one day I will and I think it’s important that I even ask these questions. maybe that's the journey. In the meantime I’ll just quietly catalog all the songs and books and tv shows and movies “about me” (or at least my archetype) and continue to share them with the few people who do stick around. And in the mean meantime I’ll ponder the fact that the sky still reflects my moods, the sports teams of my residence still win, and my very disapproval hexes people while my support lifts them up without my doing anything at all...
