ok just an update on where I'm at if ANYONE cares :(((((((
I am not going to use correct writing stuff and this will be stream of consciousness cuz I'm so fucked up rn
ok so yes, I went out into the woods and stayed for a while and now know what I need and don't for the next time I do so which will be fucking soon cuz I am again, sick of society. :((((((
just now, I lost it. like cried and screamed and made a scene. It felt good/awful. what started it was that I wanted veggie tempura. actually, I wanted a sweet bun from the el Salvadorian bakery, but its closed. so that sucked already. so I went next door to this sushi place I discovered last summer solstice, called samurai blue. that day, nearly a year ago, I went in and sat at the bar and struck up a Convo w the guy, who happened to be the owner. I asked him about the warm water fish situation there. he was very confused/interested in my interest in this as no one had ever asked about this, nor had he thought about it much. I just told him I was tired of eating fish from cold water, like salmon and such, and that I wanted warm water fish.
anyway it went on like this, me being charming and intuitive and beautiful as I am wont to be and dazzling him with whatever, and we ended up discovering he went to U Chicago and I told him I went to Wash U and we both marveled at the other's intelligence and wit. so, needles to say, he was kinda into it. when I left, he told me he'd go over to my local pool hall some time and we'd play pool. he was just shy of asking me out because he was much older than me and he's probably the typical timid Korean guy. Idk. anyway, he never mentioned a partner and talked about strip clubs and playing tons of golf and wasn't wearing a wedding ring and practically asked me out, right?
ugh, so anyway, we had talked about the book 1984, so I went out and bought him a used copy soon thereafter. I tried to drop it off like three times before I finally got it to him. when I did, I had planned it out, so the fuckers could "read my mind" or whatever, ugh, so when I finally did show up and he was there, he was suddenly wearing a wedding ring and talking in terms of "we" and when I asked if he was married he said yes? idk. so I kinda gave up on the dumb fuck who had given into whatever threats the dummies pull on the ppl. I went back a few times, didn't bother him, whatever, but today I was like, I need wifi and veggie tempura, stat. he was there when I walked in, I just waved cuz I know the drill, he skittered away even though he has no "reason to". I asked if they had wifi, the ppl didn't think so. so I asked for veggie tempura after dallying for a long time w the lady about the size and relative merits of the appetizer and the entre version of this. once I decided on the lesser of the two, I tried to pay with a card and they said they had a $10 minimum for card. Kevin, the Korean proprietor, peeped out a bit and I began to address him, being like since y'all don't have wifi and I can't pay for my tempura... then he fucking dipped. like in the middle of my speaking to him. then I LOST it.
just having been persecuted beyond sanity for years now, and not getting my veggie tempura, and having Korean Kevin be such an unwarranted jackass to me just then, I could not take it anymore. I told them I would not return, which is likely what they wanted anyhow, and I left. I had nowhere to go particularly because it's Sunday night and no one I ever talk to ever talks to me again, so, so, so
I went to an old friends house that I thought was probably compromised himself, and we hadn't really talked for a while, but I was desperate to just vent about the insanity. so I went to my old friend mason's house and begged him on bended knee to talk to me, because I was dying inside and needed that from him right then. initially he came out and said that he was playing a game and couldn't talk, even though I was clearly upset, he owed me, I was the only person who'd showed up for his 30th birthday, i've given him many gifts and he's never given me anything of import, i'd cleaned his room several times just because I wanted to, he'd been INSIDE me, and we were practically neighbors. so rly, he should have jumped at the chance to repay me, if not just be a fucking friend and listen to my crazy ass for a moment.
well he got all dumb and was like, I made these plans to play this game w these ppl and I can give you 5 minutes and blah, so I freaked the fuck out. I said all that about how he owed me and I shouted and I cried and I made it apparent that I NEEDED this from him, right now, as just a human, if not a friend, if not an ex lover, or WHATEVER. I needed someone to talk to and I obviously didn't have anyone else because I had come to HIM. ugh, fucker. anyway, after crying and shouting and basically threatening to kill everyone everywhere, he relented and said we'd talk.
so we talked, and it didn't feel that good anyway, because I'm pretty sure he's compromised cuz there was time when he would act normal when I'd spew my shit and he'd be like, this is weird, this is weird, you're being weird here and here and here and asking questions and just responding normally to someone in front of you who's saying weird stuff. now, though, he responds like everyone else who's been "compromised" and doesn't rly react, and barely asks questions even about my wildest speculations and shit. which is how all the ppl who've been threatened into silence or just ghosting me altogether do. like I say, I can sense that shit now. I can feel it in the tempo and the temperature and the distance of my relations and communication and whatever with people if they've been "compromised".
the point is, he couldn't respond fully to my sadness about being cabal-blocked because he was himself cabal-blocked. so it didn't rly go anywhere and a bird ended up pooping on me, which has never happened before and as birds are symbols of lovers and shit is shame, I felt, once again, that he is a shame-shit love situation for himself and me. that was all compounded by the fact that every now and then when we were talking I would feel like sitting on his lap. it was all gross. we did work some stuff out but nothing got solved and I ended up with bird shit shorts. :(((
im also literally fighting w my cousin a bit rn on messenger because I kinda want her to let her mom know that my mom is a shithead bitch so she'll go to bat for me and confront my mom and I'll get an answer to an email I sent my "family" a week ago. I basically sent this icy raging email to my whole immediate family about the bullshit my mom has been up to that I don't even talk about on here cuz it's so banal and painful and who cares. but shes being cagey and dodging questions and now I feel weird about HER. ugh. is there nothing sacred??? can I not even trust my own cousin??? is suppose if I cant trust my mom and dad and sister and step whoever's I can't trust her??? ugh, I hate it all. :(
