the world parades her around as their goddess while giving her no true legs to stand on, no identity beyond a face. my solution is this: white girls, stop trying to kill yourself with smoke, sex, booze and drugs because you feel guilty about happening to be a white girl, and destroy the actual problem: the system that locked you in that cage in the first place. fuck the it's-empowering-to-sleep-around-heroin chic shit. fuck urban outfitters (even tho i like their stuff, but symbolically they're terrible), gap, abercrombie and fitch, and most tv. the sex lives broadcasted by these people are all backwards and sad.
but anyway, ugh, the whole thing is that this weird worship of the white girl has got to go. it is the cage i've been fighting my whole life. my mom was a beauty queen, sorority head-bitch-in-charge, lawyer social butterfly. i read books and played computer games and didn't know boys existed until i was 13, whereupon i suddenly found myself the object of many men's attention at summer camp. at this point i began to understand that i was beautiful and in the following years i went thru the stages of dealing with it.
first, i had to learn playboys were dicks and were the first ones that come. next i learned not to steal other girl's boyfriends just because i could. then i learned that jews have mommy problems and won't marry you :( then i learned hippies and pillheads don't make good lovers, though mexicans and women do; and that overpriveledged, trustfund babies often have alcoholic, golddigging, medelsome parentals who lie for fun. so the usual.
high school was weird for me because my natural and artificial beauty (being artistic, i learned what to do with make up very young) would normally dictate, to my distaste, that i be a dick-sucking, cheer bitch that fucked her friend's boyfriends. this did not seem appealing to me. from my point of view, being popular seemed like a lot of work for little pay. the girls all just wanted to be someone else, mainly like one or two head bitches. they all talked behind each other's backs and had to put up with whatever the popular boys did to them and then told each other about. and for some reason, my face somehow went with theirs...
i went to a new high school in atlanta, a prep school for super preps. looking back the cool girls weren't all that bad as people, they all just had weird sex lives i think. idk really but they all were nice to me and sort of wanted to hang out but to throw them all off i wore dark eyeliner and crazy jewelry and black nails and hung out in the art building.
i also refused to hem my skirt, earning me the name long skirt girl. but regardless, my face, novelty, and curiously long skirt lead to basically a school-wide registration of my appearance on the scene. i ended up going to three homecomings and two proms my freshman year as well as winning the freshman beauty pageant out of spite toward this one bitch named emily. grrr
so basically, all my life, i've had to fight to be more to people than my face. to prove that i'm smart and kind and not too conceited. i also have a really big personality, not always something people think of, or allow into their idea of a" white girl", so when i'm talkative and crazy and myself, people who don't know me can be really put-off. also, going out in to public is hopeless. everyone looks at me and men do stare and it is uncomfortable. and people also sort of hate you and treat you differently, or yeah they may be nicer but it's all just because my face looks different. it kinda makes me crazy, it always has. i feel like i've been trying to mask my beauty since i was young so people would like me better. i had and still sort of have bad hygiene i think because it takes my attraction down a few notches. also, friends boyfriends fall in love with me a lot. also makes me crazy. also my husbands friends are all a little in love with me i think and that makes me crazy. so before you wish you were really attractive, remember that everything is attracted to beauty. gross people and unwanteds all. everyone also sort of looks to you for the "good time".
in a room or within a group of friends, you are always the height of beauty and also, you know, like mirth and fun and looking good and carrying on the vibe for the sake of the party and shit. you can really get sad clown about it and let your ego run your lips and check out of your real self for a while as you bask in attention, but it's not as fulfilling as you'd think to have to be the person everyone looks at for validation. especially when it's all the time.
so basically, i try not to take out my hatred for my role as "beautiful white girl" on myself and instead do subversive things to the society that has built that cage for me and to my image. i still wear black nails and long black skirts but i also write in this blog and make art about these white girl and just girl problems. and i'm really nice and care about everyone pretty much all the time. i especially care about YOU, reader, you are why i am writing this! so if you are a white girl, or even not, rethink the identity society has cast onto you and go back to your roots. talk to the earth, learn about your ancestors, look back through childhood things, make art! anything to remember/build your individuality and to cast down any hold society has on you. give death to that old self and then have good sex :)
