So i'm crying because i don't waaaaaaant to go to the psych ward and there's this cop lady with a lot of eyeliner telling me i can just come or she can put me in handcuffs and take me. so i go. the emt girl reminds me of my friend, so much so that i begin to see her as a projection of my friend and become interested in reading her. i ask her about her life, she has four kids, runs marathons, works at the fire house, and is 35 years old. I talk to her about the numerology of 35 being a tough year. We talk about numerology and astrology and witchcraft a little. The lady cop used to weigh 220 lb and liked it. she was a boxer, wears big black, leather boots and rides a cop motorcycle, but had recently lost 40 lb and was sad about it. She told me she has kids and that they liked to listen to classical music, esp. phantom of the opera, and not an hour before i had watched Phantom of the Opera, a super abstract version of the Mary Magdalene/Jesus Christ plot. It was kinda wild, but a fairly normal synchronicity for me. Then I got to the hospital's emergency room and a nice guy in camo scrubs took my blood, probably to do dark magic with, jk... or am i.
the emergency room was basically boring as hell but here were some highlights:
- the doctor had a nice old man face and made me feel like he cared
- there was a pumpkin that was puking its seeds and guts out that i reeeeaally liked.
- there was a crazy lady, old, black, seemed to have possible tarrets, but told me she was bipolar like me! sitting next to me. She would say crazy stuff and i would totally humor her and we would cut up and sort of hit on the giant black security guards and dance around and shake our asses till they told us to sit down. because it was soooooo boring. i was there in a chair for like two hours next to this wild woman, lol, i guess i'm a wild woman too.
anyway, then i went up to psychiatric intake. which was another snooze fest. up side here was i got to watch BET and how new world order has ruined it as well as many other things. I also became good friends with a girl named Krystal, who i had met in the emergency room. she helped me through some of my drama. she lives in a group home and does word searches all day. She smokes, has boy-short hair, and very ruddy cheeks. She speaks sort of slowly and little with a lisp, but once you get used to being patient, it's like talking to anyone. she remains my first friend i made. we ate diner together and began a tradition that spanned all my days at the psych ward. she gave me her milk, and i gave her my dessert or some other milk-worthy trade. we watched BET and tried not to have to deal with the men that were there. crazy men are, dirty, leery, and old. we would later go to the acute psychiatric ward for women. i don't know why, but i went first. Krystal had to sleep in the psych intake, where the doctors decide to admit you or not, for the whole first night. that's a lot of BET, but i think they put on the Andy Griffith Show to balance it out after a while. Then some Big Bang Theory, which is vile, a show acting like its anti-nwo and sooooo is. just fyi, the first red flag on whether a piece of media is or is not a part of nwo's stupid plan, it MISOGYNY. plain and simple. illuminati, new world order, freemasons, catholic church> BOYS CLUBS.
the ladies ward was many things and has several parts. i am inclined to start with the people i met. the first patient to speak with me with a girl named Lisa. she said i had pretty hair. lol. the funny thing was, i was instantly attracted to her. she was stony-faced but beautiful, like she'd been places and seen things, with sort of fried brown hair and blonde highlights grown out. she had been there for 8 months. i asked her why and she said she had just started punching people because they were coming at her with needles. oh, yeah, whenever you trip out in the looney bin, there is always a chance that ten people will come to subdue you, two people will shoot you with sedatives, and someone will handcuff you to a bed alone in a room for a few hours. you'll scream, no one will come, and your wrists will hurt. but if you don't trip, this does not happen. and i mean, they don't always hand-cuff you to a bed, sometimes you just get locked in a room and like miss dinner or something. That happened to my friend Luna, i'll talk more about her later.
the whole game in the bin is to play it coooooool. convince them you don't need to be there so you can get out. Lisa did not do this, she fought back, which is cool, but crazy, and ultimately unhelpful. she had legal problems and is on probation for a year. plus, other group homes don't want her now :( but Lisa was the O.G. alpha female and everyone liked her and many admired her. so instead of us like bristling when we first met, we mostly just appreciated each other, because unfortunately I also am an alpha. She told me she was schizophrenic, which explained her flattened affect, or lack of emotional registration on her face. but later on, she seemed to move her face fine, after she got to know me...i wonder if there's something there. Lisa had two sons who had been adopted out to people because she couldn't take them? idk. she would do sit ups in her bed. she had been there so long, she was like being a person there. she ate salads all the time and she would walk up and down the hallway all day.
oooooo. we got to pick what we ate. omg. there was some good food in there. i hate three square meals a day with snack and coffee and juice. it was alright. meals were funny. first of all, the seats in the small common area were like 100 lb each so we couldnt' like pick them up and throw them at each other or something. the way we sat together was funny. so in the looney bin, there are like rings of cognizance. some girls could speak, others really didn't, some had speech problems, lisps, no teeth, you name it. so eating was kinda gross. crazy people don't notice things like food in their hair, on their face, on their clothes, on their hands, as much as self-sonscious people do. so the girls that could talk normally and keep food out of their hair, would sit together. the really old ladies, their ones that were way out of it, and the loners would sit on the outskirts and the rest would sit around a circular table. it was pretty ok.
what we wore was ridiculous. it was like this blue, plastic, paper scrub type uniform. they were disposable, so every time we showered we got new clothes. but these things were crazy. they like disintegrated throughout the day and everyone had fuzzy butts at dinner time. it was pretty goofy. aaaaaand, we could not wear bras. and these blue plastic paper shirts were not exactly opaque. and these women did not exactly have beautiful breasts. it was all very saggy, jiggly, and pointy. but we didn't care, because we all had no bra. i guess they thought we would hang ourselves. we were all pretty much suicidal. or maybe we'd use the underwire to shank someone, lol. no chance. that place was boring as fuck. most of us didn't really need to be in there, some people didn't have much else to do, some had no other place to go.
so we played cards, i taught the girls egyptian rat screw, such a crude name but a fun game. sometimes we had group where we learned to deal with our feelings and how to confront people without insulting them. or we played 20 questions, did ice breakers; we played jenga, made colleges, played apples to apples, and painted. and religious people would come in (the hospital was catholic) and play nice christian music. this one guy brought in this hebrew cd of the Songs of Solomon, my favorite book in the bible. (its all about romantic love and SEX!) OH MAN, THE BIBLE, Y'ALL. i read the entire book of matthew and the whole book of mark because there is that little to do in the psych ward, and because I loooooove the bible. it's just DIVINE.
besides, the tv was busted, there were like 10 magazines and no books. so it was pretty much:
- walk with lisa
- play uno (a psych ward staple- i play every time i go)
- play cards
- read the bible
- look at the same magazines over and over
- stare out the window
- sleep
- shower
- sit in the hall and talk about how fucked up our lives were
- chat up the nurses for gossip
- watch the St. Louis Cardinals loose at sportball on a busted tv
- color unicorns and flowers and fruit
- eat
- cry/and/or/seethe
there were some heavy stories in there, though. like oh my god i can't believe someone like you exists kind of life. one would have to be Luna. So as soon as i got on the ward she targeted me because i could like talk and we began to talk. she is very christian, but has psychic powers. she is torn over a trillion things. her mother is too involved in her life. she had like 6 dads, at least on of which would rape her every night. she was also molested in other ways. she somehow made it to the air force and in it she experienced black magic. i believe she was target for her psychic abilities and made some sort of crux for the energy working in her troop or whatever. basically because she was the youngest she was singled out and was used in some sort of dark military magic ritual or something. the air force is supposedly the branch of the military most affiliated with the illuminati. she was told she would receive an honorable discharge if she did not speak of what happened to her. she has felt homosexual tendencies, but is mostly asexual because of her over-sexed, desensitized past. my heart went out to her so hard. she would dig into the bible, but read things like job over and over praying in a continual negative feedback loop that she would not have to go through what job did, although, from my point of view, she already had. her mom manipulated her and was dying from two different cancers, her sister had cancer and wouldn't talk to her. her hair was thinning, and she was always unhappy. she would complain and wretch and get lost in herself. it was sad and hard to watch. i tried to get to her her but she was like, afraid of my chakra book and thought ganesh was like evil. but i think because i could and did match her in faith and knowledge about what she believed, she trusted me to at least tell her about the other side of spirituality. away from the boys club and into the earth. i hope that she is well and i wish her the very best.
i also met Drea, who i believe is my friend's future partner. i believe she was meant to come into my life and be this man's wife and that i may have even been sent there to find her and take her in. she had once stripped in east st. louis to get herself off the streets. she even said she would sleep with men in the vip room. she is pale with red hair and a full figure and was only into black guys. she was married to a black man whom she sort of feared, but she was crazy too so not really, and they had a child together that had been taken from them. the touched ladies have a hard time holding onto their children and it's way sad. Krystal's 8 year old girl lived with her brother and she never saw her. anyway, Drea is the same age as me, has been with her guy for as long as i've been with mine, and we have similar O.G. attitudes. the problem was, she basically went from shithead to deadbeat to asshole, living off whatever the guys who decided he liked her ass could get for heroine. so i'm trying to bring her in a little.
on my last night, i met someone. if you have seen orange is the new black, you know who crazy eyes is. well i got my own crazy eyes. she was a short black girl with short hair and tattoos all over her face and arms. she was hopped up on crack and had four gold-plated teeth up front. but her eyes were all big and rolly and she decided she thought i was the hottest piece of ass there. she told me she'd lick my pussy and she liked how i was thick and i was her girl and lalalla. well, she was cute and i probably would have made out with her at a club, but we were in the freaking psych ward, and i'm engaged, and my boyfriend had like just visited. so i had to tell her to cool it, so she decided to just stare at me across the room and wink at me a whole bunch. flattering, sort of, but tiring. she chilled out later and played spades with some people i don't think she knew yet were not good candidates for that task. but later, she was sick, having withdraws, and i walked with her some and put her in bed and gave her a cool washcloth but it wasn't enough and she had a seizure. i had to call the nurses and get them to care (the nurses kind of don't give a fuck because we're mentally ill). it was short, but scary, but not the first withdrawl seizure i've seen. people have seizures, they pretty much live.
i would read people's tarot cards all day. well, not entirely. the regular tarot deck is an analogue to the minor arcana. spades are swords, clubs are wands, hearts are cups, and diamonds are pentacles. just no major arcanan but a reading none the less. the nurses lined up. so basically i spent my days telling middle age black lady nurses that their finances should be ok, their love lives needed adjusting, or they need to correct for some other imbalance they may have had in their lives. we would also dance. sometimes they let us put the radio on. when the new LORDE song ROYALS came on we would freak and all come running and dance around and sing. just because there wasn't anyone to tell us not to, or to judge, or to care at all. and just because. :) even though it's a bitch, going to the psych ward really can help you work some stuff out, but it's the people you meet there, those kindred, kindling spirits that really help you see. when i got out today, my boyfriend's friend matt told me that i shouldn't let one moments pain, pain me all my life, for you see, i went in because i cut myself when i am hurt. :(
