Greg and I broke up :(
Basically it was over money, and not even a lot of money, like milk money, as you will see... :(
This is his email to me when he dropped me off at my cold, dark house alone...
You having called me "stingy" indicates that rather than gratitude for my generous giving to you of my time and resources
you have an unseemly sense of entitlement to what I am required to trade large portions of my time to obtain. The use of that harsh word is hurtful and appallingly crass.
You have no housing expense, no transportation expense, no
phone or internet, no electricity expense. I know that $900
dollars a month does not go very far in today's economy, but
it seems that a person without the usual living expenses
that most of us have would be able to feed themselves for
the majority of a month on $225 a week when that is also
supplemented by donated food. Much as I did not
understand how my wife could not or would not contribute to our
household expenses,
I am at a loss to understand your situation. This leaves me
with the same sense of being taken advantage of that I had
previously. I spend far more on a monthly basis buying you
food than the "one $20 something dollar meal" you mentioned last
night.
If the situation were reversed and I were using your
electricity and water to bathe and wash my clothes and dishes I would at least
offer
to help out with the utilities a little bit before
spending all of my money and relying on you to feed me.
As you well know, the money you receive does not really come
from "the government". The government does not generate funds, it
takes
funds, under threat of penalty and imprisonment from
hardworking people, many of whom are barely getting by themselves, and
redistributes them.
Comments you have made in the past seem to indicate that you
view "we the people" who go out and earn a wage as dupes and suckers
for
participating in regular society by having jobs and
earning income. Even in the worst of my drug and alcohol addiction I took
responsibility for
feeding and housing myself.
It appears that you have no conception of the value of money
because you have never had to trade your time, your life for it.
Everything has been provided for you by others. For most of
us there is no other option. It is a matter of survival if we want to maintain
a basic standard of comfortable living. I will have to
provide for myself beyond the point in time that I am no longer able physically
to work for a living. That requires holding in reserve as
much money as I am able to. I cannot operate as you do, on a "spend all my
money now
so I don't have to think about what to spend it on"
mentality. Yes, the Universe will provide but it is still incumbent upon us to
use what it provides
wisely.
That is all I have for now. I am still processing my
emotions. I just needed to get that out so that I can move on with my day.
As I said in my text, I need a break from you. Please
respect my request.
First of all, Greg, it’s your. Your having called me stingy.
Second of all, all I ever do is thank you and if anyone is light on the ground in that area it is YOU, for I feel it could be argued that I have given you far more than you have given me, and that what I have given you is far more valuable than anything you have or ever will give me; plus I just get waaaaay more excited about what you do give.
And, if the situation were reversed,
I would give my life and more for you,
as I would for anyone and everyone, nearly,
which is why I am in the situation I am innnnnnnnnn you dummy.
Do You Think I Could Not Get a Job,
If I Were Not Fighting on the Front Lines of Life Right Now???
For I surely could, and one far better than yours.
On your “generosity”: yes, you CAN be generous, and I
appreciate that, I do, and I say it more than enough, but you can
also be stingy- a word that is rather mild, GREG, and hardly crass,
especially given how upset you made me! AGAIN! About the same dang
thing!!! I mean, we’ve had this whole freaking conversation before!!!
Crass would be something more like, hey, OLD MAN, why
ain’t you payin’ for all my shit so I can continue to give you blowjobs and
clean your house and walk this earth? Or maybe something along
the lines of: you are an impotent, indigent, parsimonious, miserly waste of
space who has not lived up to his potential because he is a nervous wreck due
to his own incompetence and choice of dastardly wives before me. I could
say things like that.
I don’t exactly see you taxpayers as “dupes and suckers” as
much as I see you as “followers and non-creatives” who have succumbed to the
given order, fallen in line, and just meekly taken what was doled out to you,
in terms of life and life paths and all the options about everything. So many
people (including YOU) have just never thought to even think about
what you are REALLY doing, or could do differently, or any sort of
creative, better option with regards to money or sex or food or everything
at all! In addition, don’t you know I could make my own money if
I weren’t sidelined from saving your ass and every other person’s non-creative
ass out there??? Don’t you see how I could have sold out just the same as y’all
and with all my talents and gifts made more money than GOD? Don’t you know I
could be with someone else who WILL pay for me and WILL appreciate me and WILL,
without my asking, just give me what I need?
Now, OF COURSE, I have many privileges with my family name
and family money and government check and all that, but I have also done much
work, and yes I HAVE traded my time and life for lucre, thank you very
much. Also, do you think I was just handed a diploma from one of the
best Universities in the nation? Do you think I in no way earned my high
school scholarship to this institution?? Even my disability check “cost” me
something and took “work”: I’ve been to the psych ward like 25 times, Greg.
I’ve been abused therein by nurses and patients alike, been given ELECTRIC
SHOCK THERAPY I did not want or need (that DID NOT WORK btw), been stuffed so
full of meds I didn’t know there WAS an up or down, and none of this mentions
the fact that at nearly anytime, anywhere, anyone can just up and call
me crazy and all my experiences and feelings and words are suddenly invalid,
in the eyes of the law even, and then they can just *call the
cops* and put me in the psych ward for an indefinite amount of time (which fucking
happens btw). Now all of this, high school, college, and my various
experiences with “mental illness” have caused me to cry blood, sweat tears, and
feel like nothing and no one would ever have my back, and that no one would ever
understand, and that I would forever be just some freak, outsider,
crazy person that no one wanted around! So, yeah, I’ll take my
disability check and your little $60 and whatever money of mother’s I want
to as social consolation prize, because it is the least
everyone can do for how persecuted I have been (and still am [and from every
direction]) when I AM TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT IT ALL, and seek mostly to serve, and
only want change the world for the better-no matter the cost to me, and,
really, for the “crime” of being different and speaking up for myself and
others and just, daring to dare.
Because, really, I work at things people would never dream
of doing let alone know (how) to do; the things that really need to be
done, that people don’t notice or even know needs to be done; and
that if they knew what it would take to do these things, how much they
would be called upon to sacrifice, they would do more than shy away from
doing them, they would RUN, and then advise others to do so as well. THESE
THINGS THAT I DO PAY ME NOTHING AND COST ME EVEYTHING and
I put my very life in danger when I do them, as what I really do
is place myself between the world and the powers of darkness that seek
so ardently, every hour of every day, to overcome it. And YOU KNOW THIS, Greg.
You’ve seen it in action, felt it yourself by now, if only through
association.
So, while you may think I have no conception of the value
of money (which I do), I would counter with: You conceive of NOTHING,
not even your own life, and YOU know not the Value of Value itself.
You pay no real toll, Greg, you give no real charity and reach
out with grace and at risk to yourself to no one. There is nothing and
no one for which you would die, like me; and so what are you even
living for???
You can’t even make time or muster the energy to go to a protest,
which is hardly anything more than flag waving btw. And, a little along these
lines, I am so very tired to your shutting shit down on me, and I don’t
just mean every idea I have. The Inman Park neighborhood is just very friendly,
and that guy was being cool, and I wanted to stay and chat with
people who weren’t YOU, and maybe have a drink, and maybe have an orgy, and
just live an opened-up and not shut-down life wherein everyone is a drag
and nothing is worth it and all of life is nothing more than eating
and sleeping and working till you die!!! I CANNOT LIVE THAT WAY AND I DON’T
WANT TO, GGRREEGG.
As for things being provided for me, yes, that is
true, but it is true for a reason, fool. Now, I cannot help that
I was born into money, but I think what I have chosen to do with my life has
left me largely bereft of this said fortune. And as for my other provisions,
they have been given to me because of who I am and what I do and,
YES, what I essentially bring to the table, which, if you need a reminder, are
things like the table itself, light, enlightenment, humor,
beauty, insight, understanding, deep compassion, redemption and grace, heavy
balance, fortune telling and knowledge of worlds in between, and, really, life
itself. Or… all the things which make life worth it. And you
know that. It mystifies me that you ever forget! You get so myopic and in
your ego (ME ME ME) and automatically defensive when we fight, you just
forget everything I am (to you and the world!) and remember only that
you are mad in that moment! It’s untenable!!! And I really won’t
have it. ☹
As for your “optionless need for survival and a comfortable
living”, I would say this: you are NOT required to trade large portions of you
time to obtain your money, you CHOOSE to do so, and CHOOSE to see no other
option and have chosen this path for your life that has led you
to this set of “limited” options as you perceive them to be. In reality, every
choice you made in your life has led you to where you are now, as have
all our choices for all our lives and is the very nature of human
life and time and reality, you fool. Plus, comfortable is a relative
term, and American comfort is probably way too “comfortable”, as it stands on
the backs of so many less so.
And so, your financial standing is of your own making, you fool,
and you choose to see it as impoverished and threatened by me instead of
potentially enriched by me beyond your wildest dreams! There are any number of
ventures we will and could take to make ALL the money. You think that you will
need to save all your money for your assumedly-infirmed old age? Well, what
makes you think that if you please me enough so that I stick around, WE cannot
make good money one day and that I will assuredly take care of you until
the very end?
Because I say we can, (and I will [make money
AND care for you]) and so does the fortune cookie, remember?? For I really
am the golden ticket and the pearl of great price, friend,
and not just in terms of what I might inherit, nor of my knowledge of the laws
of manifestation and the universe, but merely because of my presence and
persuasion and passion and all the powers therein! You are
a FOOL to think that a connection and credence and love such as our would not
pay dividends on dividends in the end of every end!!!
And if you will be of so little faith and I am the pearl
before you-the swine-then I will call you chaff and take my wheat elsewhere!!!
For besides being this, I am and know that the lilies of the
field are cared for and say: your sense of being taken advantage of is
inborn and of your own making, Greg, and has little to do with me, for I AM
NOT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU, YOU FUCKING FOOL. There is no advantage in
you, you are merely the least common denominator, the (lately) last and only
option for me! And while I sometimes seek to, yes, use your money to
finance my life a bit, I do not feel entitled to it, but I also
don’t feel that this is in some way an advantage, or a trick of wool
over your eyes, or even uncalled for or unrequited or abnormal or untoward
in any way. So please, save your sad martyr shit because that is
MY role. ☹
And, really, whatever you spend on me beyond
the like, one time you take me out a month, HAS GOT TO BE WORTH ALL I GIVE TO
YOU. Got to; and it pains me that you don’t see it. When I spent hours and days
of my life I did not have to, packing up your shit
and helping you move, I was astounded that you thought this was
worth only one taco dinner, which, by the way, could have just been some
nothing lunch we got on like, a random Wednesday afternoon, that maybe we don’t
even enjoy at all and are just eating to get calories!!! But given who
you are and how tight you are with money, I was really just grateful you
thought to “pay me back” for my efforts at all, even if it was just a little,
not-very-special-or-expensive dinner at a taco place around the corner. 😐
And maybe this is just a difference in our upbringings or expectations or even
how we treat ourselves and others, but idk man, my little tacos just didn’t
feel tantamount to all I had just done for you with that move…
Because, I mean, what about what I give YOU? Because,
really, I could be just as mad at you and feel just as taken for granted!
Because, a little bit, that’s what it DOES feel like. You think that now
that you “have me” you’ve “got me” and that my presence is just “granted”
you. Because you were pretty cute back in the day, bringing me knives and
wooden bird puzzles and being willing to take me anywhere. Now, though, sometimes
you barely even acknowledge my presence, let alone how special I am, or
how much I give the world, and how I could choose to spend my time anywhere
else!
Do you think other girls would fawn over you so hard, or rub
your feet so much, or do your toenails so well? Do you think other girls would
cook and bring you lunch, or make you art and design your life so well as I? Or
do anything so well as I, including love you??
Sometimes I feel like I have to get mad at you for
you to just notice that you need to do more than nothing to keep me around!!
IIIIII feel unappreciated, too, Greg!! And considering how much I
do for you and the world, and how great I am in general, it blows my mind
that you don’t shower me with everything in every way all the time, let alone
realize I’m worth fucking milk money!!!
And when you freak out if I even mention that
you should maybe just consider how you present my gifts at
Christmas, it makes me wonder just how damaged you are! And when you won’t come
get me from downtown Atlanta, at night, when I could
really use a ride home, after I was out all day and acted very bravely,
speaking to all of City Council about how terrible our president is
(something you certainly agree with but do NOTHING [really] about), you won’t
get in your little car and drive to town to secure my person and “the
light of your life”??? PSH!! Then what good are you doing me, mankind, or the
world at all even???
And, by the way, the other day when you were like “We just
got food” and meant those bags of cans the pantry shoved at us as they told us
there was no room at the inn, a) I already had all that and more in terms of
canned food and b) do YOU want to eat canned food all day, every day?? Because
I don’t! And I don’t think you do either! Homeless people don’t even eat canned
food all the time because it’s gross and it’s dead! There is no life
or vibration of health in it AT ALL. Canned food is unhealthy,
tasteless, and dead and I could eat it all day long, every single
day and NEVER be full, let alone get any sort of real nutrition I
need!
Also, I did NOT rely on you for a lot of what I ate! In
fact, it was really only perishable foods, like milk, that I needed in
constant supply, albeit for a very short period of time, and only here
at our end! AND milk is very cheap! And I really didn’t ask you to buy
me and JUST ME food anyway, you usually bought US food,
and often you got benefit from the pantry items as well! You act like you got
NOTHING in return for what you “gave” me! It isn’t my fault your palette is
very simple and undistinguishing, and you really don’t appreciate the fine and
creative cuisine I bring when I cook! And besides, food is a baseline
expense for all humans, and most boyfriends, and certainly any older
man dating a younger woman! I mean, Greg, some women like me are kept
women and straight up suck the life out of their men and give back nothing
at all, maybe not even sex, for what they “get” out of their
“relationship”! So when you balk at buying me MILK I balk right
back!
Because at the end of all things, my financial
situation is the result of my having picked a very righteous and very overdue fight
with the biggest, baddest bitches out there (including my mom and dad as
well as the Illuminati, all the Voodoo fucks, the Catholic Church, the
Freemasons, and whoever else dares deny God) because no one else would,
and I could, and someone should.
And in the end, the spiritual and metaphysical resources that
are available to me and that I have used are available to you and everyone
else for use as well! It is no fault of mine that you have not knocked on
the right door and claimed your birthright and been well-answered by the deity.
And so, if you will deny me the small things I ask of you for my very life to
continue, and make me feel so unworthy, and misunderstand the worth and
weight of things AGAIN, and, just, put me at risk of internalizing your
scarcity-mindset, then I will deny you too, and I will fall back on my
meager material resources and my much greater spiritual ones, and do for myself
what you, apparently, will not (not cannot, because you certainly can)
and then I will call you the lesser,
For I turn wine into water
And give the world life
With wine that was mine
Before time was time.
And because you can’t see this
With YOU in your eyes
I shall go elsewhere
Where love is divine
And not DEAD ON ARRIVAL
As yours is to mine.
For I do love with a love
That is greater than love
And it is very nearly unconditional
And certainly divine.
So I say
Goodbye Greg
I hope you learn to love
And the worth and weight of things.
And that is all me and she wrote. :(((
I will say, that the next day, when I was so, so sad about it all, I left my house and a bird was on my front doorstep mat. It was a cute little yellow and black bird and it didn't fly away when I came out, and it actually let me touch it!!! I stroked it a bit and was very grateful and happy for it being my friend right then... And as birds are symbols of lovers, I felt good about it. Plus, I mean, I touched a bird! A wild bird! Let me touch it! Aaaaand it was really neat! Yellow and black! :))))))
