So, after I cut my internet, I started watching all my DVDs. I have pretty much watched them all and decided to organize and categorize and rank them. Here are the results!!!
Best Picture:
Stranger Than Fiction
This is my favorite film I have. Part of why I like it so much is that no one else knows about it. It’s a quirky little Maggie Gyllenhaal and Will Ferrel film about an IRS tax agent with a ROUTINE who meets a rebel baker who's not paying all her taxes because she disagrees with how the government is spending them. It's meta and literary and romantic af. Highlight: Will’s line about bringing Maggie flours. :) :) :) :) :) :)
Runner Up:
Gladiator
I saw this in New Zealand, which I always thought was cool because Russel Crowe is from there. I was like 11 or 12 and have yet to be as riveted during any other movie. I remember being on the edge of my seat the whole time because the plot, with a general-turned-slave who defeats a corrupt, incestuous Roman emperor, is just sooooo intriguing.
3rd
Place:
Eyes Wide Shut
So, this is
Stanley Kubrick’s last film, probably because “they” killed him after it came
out, which allowed them to edit the hell out of it. No one has ever seen the
version he likely intended. That’s because it deals with all the stuff I love:
intrigue, sex, and secret societies. It’s also a hell of a metafilm in that
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman play a married couple while they’re married. Plus
there are hella tits and ass, including Nicole’s. (o)(o)
Honorable
Mention:
Memoirs of a
Geisha
So, I still love this film even after I realized it’s a bit about a perverted/significant-age-difference relationship. Which tracks, because it’s written by a white gay man about Japanese geisha women. It’s so, so beautiful and one of the only films I know that truly follows the book. It won six Oscars, including one for best cinematography and one for best costume design and another one for best score (this being the only song John Williams asked to write). Plus, while the ending may be a bit deus ex machina, the surprise that it was the Chairman who engineered Sayuri’s happy destiny is pleasant, and it is, of course, satisfying that he and she come together in the end (especially after so much strife).
Extraordinary Films
Being There>
Awesome Christ film from the 70's with Peter Sellers and Shirley MacLaine.
The Last
Unicorn> Love Mia Farrow’s voice for the unicorn. A favorite from my
childhood and one of my first DVDs. Fun animation from the 70's that's NOT Disney. "Sex slave" metaphor movie. I AM the unicorn: the last of my kind and I must rescue all the others from the Red Bull and Kin Haggard.
Road House>
Gotta love Roadhouse. Patrick Swayze does Tai Chi? I’m there! One of the truest
Christ/Magdalene films out there (sans the checkered floor of the Double Duce). Plus you see Patrick's ass: HOT STUFF.
Rosemary’s
Baby> Also love Mia in this one; such an important film! Satan’s baby, the
old, white, satanic witches, 60's fashion, haircuts, and interiors, Roman Polanski naming
the main bad guy after himself… So, so good! I tell the young kids about this one, may it never be forgotten. Also: yes THERE ARE REPTILIAN SATANIC ASSHOLES OUT THERE. Plus the lighting is really nice.
I Heart
Huckabees> Just an important conceptual film. Super nutty. Great cast.
Marie
Antoinette> Probably the most beautiful film ever made. Sophia Coppola got
France to allow her to film at Versailles. The food! The shoes! And Kiersten
Dunst at her best and most beautiful. Plus, duh, ROSE BYRNE. Thank you...
Life is
Beautiful> Italian subtitles, good metaphysical film with a charming follow
through right till the end. A fun synchronicity film about a boy and his father
in a concentration camp, though he convinces his son it’s all a game the
entire time. Also, the mother is crazy loyal, and though she’s not a Jew, goes
with her family into the valley of death. Great, great ending.
The Silence
of the Lambs> Ah! Probably the most important “sex slave” film. Starling is
a super Magdalene on a mission to rescue the proverbial “sex slave”. Hopkins
plays the captivating cannibal who is a symbol for secret society satanists
everywhere. Love love this film. Save the lambs!
The King and
I> Ah! Another important “sex slave” film. Anna is a super Magdalene on a
mission to convince the King of Siam that slavery is wrong, especially the
enslavement of young women. A wonderful love story sans sex. A shining example
of a strong, take-charge woman at a time when this was not in fashion.
Wonderful sets, costumes, and Yule Brenner is pretty dang hot. Super recommend!
Joe vs. the
Volcano> A very cute Christ/Magdalene film that actually has some pretty
serious depth despite its fairly fluffy cast of Meg Ryan (playing three
different women-a testament to her acting prowess and dynamic look) and Tom Hanks. A comment on the soul-sucking drudgery of
working life and how anyone can be a hero. Hanks' boss is "great".
Thank You
for Smoking> One of the cleverest, most paradigm-shifting movies I’ve ever seen.
Taught me how to argue like an asshole and that cell phones give you cancer.
Love to hate Nick Naylor.
Excellent Films
Rain Man>
Best Picture year I was born: 1988.
Pitch Black>
Sexy ass Vin Diesel.
Super Mario
Bros.> Sick film. Mario wears a tye-dye, flaming Yin Yang shirt and a rainbow belt.
9/11 spoilers too: film was made in 1995 and has bombed out Twin Towers that
looked pretty much exactly like they did on the real 9/11.
Idiocracy>
Crocs before they were “cool” (they’re not). “You’re shit’s all retarded and
you talk like a fag”. Fun, fun film with an interesting premise.
The Craft>
“Fun” 90’s film about witchcraft.
10 Things I
Hate About You> Classic 90’s love story based on Shakespeare’s Taming of the
Shrew. Julia Styles and Heath Ledger :( play star-crossed lovers in Seattle at
Padua (where Romeo and Juliet really happened) High Shool.
500 Days of
Summer> What it’s like for a basic boy to love a witch.
Black Swan>
Psycho ballerina Natalie Portman fucks sexy/slutty Mila Kunis: I'm there.
Armageddon>
I always tear up when Bruce Willis sacrifices himself for the world/his
daughter, Liv Tyler. Funny and serious, it's a wild ride with a compelling cast. Plus Ben Affleck is so hot here.
Step
Brothers> This is almost an “extraordinary” film. Just love Will Ferrel.
Clever, clever dialogue, family dynamic, and drama. Good ending, very funny, much appreciated.
The Ides of
March> Georgia Clooney directs this political thriller film staring a
guileless Ryan Gossling and a *horny* Evan Rachel Wood. Dark, disturbing, and dangerous in its scope and implication.
Pretty
Persuasion> This movie made me rerealize that the conspiracy is real, which I don't super even see anymore in it, but, it's important anyhow. Rich bitch Even Rachel Wood sleeps her way to the bottom of the middle of entertainment at an L.A. prep school by fucking over everyone in her life.
Die Hard>
LOVE DIE HARD. I watch it every Christmas, because, you know, it’s a Christmas
film.
Nine> Great look at the inside, behind-the-scenes life of a director. A fictionalized account of the end of Fellini's career, this movie shines with the glory of the 60's Italian film scene. Stellar cast, great acting, harrowing look at fame.
Secretary> Killer S&M film with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader when they were both in their prime. Kooky, quirky, and sexy as hell, this workplace romance is on fire.
North
Country> AMAZING film about the birth of workplace sexual harassment policy.
The Big Sick> Cute, cute, cute film about the love of a Pakistani man and a white girl in Chicago. He's a struggling stand up comic and she's getting a masters in psychology at the University of Chicago. They fall in love, age-old issues with "love" marriage ensue, she gets super sick, goes into a coma, he comes to her aid, hangs out with her parents while she's out, all the fun that ensues. Probably the cutest rom com I know. Produced by Amazon Studios however :(((( But based on a true story.
Dirty
Dancing> DUH. Nobody puts baby in a corner.
Good Films
The Island> Michale Bay's surreal idea of an organ farm gone bad. Hot people, for sure.
The Great
Gatsby> Classic story of what happens to freemasons (they die alone, betrayed, maligned).
Footloose> Fun Christ/Magdalene story where they fight to dance.
The Exorcist> This film makes more sense when I'm high.
The Social
Network> Truish story of Facebook.
Life as a
House
The
Outsiders
Mona Lisa
Smile
Straight Outta Compton> Hard look at fame for NWA.
The March of
the Penguins
L.A.
Confidential> Super involved plot. Russel Crowe is hot. L.A. cops are not.
Mean Girls> Tian Fey, Amy Pohler, and Lindsay Lohan. <3
Zoolander
Romeo +
Juliet> YES!
The
Shawshank Redemption
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas> I wrote a long paper in college about this book and the "death of the American Dream".
My Cousin
Vinny
Children of
Men
Adoration
The
Breakfast Club
The
Manchurian Candidate> Important ass film.
An
Inconvenient Truth
A Walk in
the Clouds> Pretty cute Keanu romance.
Star Trek
A Beautiful
Mind
Groundhog
Day
Blow> JOHNNY DEPP DOES ALL THE COCAINE. Fun 60's and 70's fashion. Sad, sad ending.
The Family
Man> A favorite Christmas movie.
Dances with
Wolves> I just like this film. Sue me.
The Shining
The Brave
One> Jodie Foster is a bad bitch with a gun murkin' creeps.
Chocolat> Makes me believe in rescuing sex slaves. Johnny Depp is hot. The lady is a bad bitch.
A Beautiful
Day in the Neighborhood> LOVE MR. ROGERS.
Man on Fire> Tragic tale of loving a child.
The
Godfather
Good/Bad Films - These films are very good and very bad. You love to hate them or you hate to love them. Likely both.
Hustle & Flow> I saw this like 5 times in theater. A few times at the drive in. IDK why...it's a dumb movie about a pimp that like plays the same few seconds of film twice when he's making out with his "bottom bitch". Terrence Howard is pretty hot, though. It's hard out here for a pimp.
True Romance> I do love this movie, but it was made by the Weinsteins so...
The Other
Boleyn Girl
Kill Bill 1
& 2
Man of the
Year
Gone in 60
Seconds
Chicago> Very pretty film. I like the line about how people who seek fame didn't get enough love in their childhoods...
War, Inc.
Troy> Ugh. Favorite sex scene EVER. Rose Byrne and Brad Pitt? YES PLEASE! All day, all night, forevermore, until the end of time!!!!!!
The Fountain
Clueless
The Big
Lebowski> Strange Magdalene/Christ couple here. Weird freemason story. Odd mix of both.
Kick-Ass
Shakespeare
in Love> I also love this film, but the fucking Weinsteins...
21 Jump
Street
Minority
Report
The Notebook
Blade Runner
Moulin
Rouge!
Unbreakable
300
Something’s
Gotta Give
40 Days and
40 Nights
Rumor Has It…> Probably my favorite Jen Anniston thing.
An Officer
and a Gentleman> Ughhhh, love to hate this film, hate to love it, too.
Crouching
Tiger Hidden Dragon> Too bad a bitch.
Almost
Famous
O Brother,
Where Art Thou?> Weird film based on "The Odyssey". Used to love it, now I think it's fucked. KKK, bad romances, but a hell of a song "I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow". DAPPER DAN.
Tristian +
Isolde
The Holiday> Fucking dumb Christmas rom com I like.
Boondock
Saints
Napoleon
Dynamite
The Usual
Suspects
The DaVinci
Code> Ugh. This book literally started my spiritual journey but it's not "the real thing" and this movie is dark and twisty. Plus the man in favor of the Magdalene narrative ends up to have "done it". WTF.
Avatar
Girl,
Interrupted
HeartBreakers
When Harry
Met Sally
The
Motorcycle Diaries
Uptown Girls
Wedding
Crashers
Benny &
Joon> Inaccurate portrayal of Bipolar Disorder. Also promotes the brothers-fucking-sisters agenda of the bad guys by naming the movie after the brother-sister couple rather than the actual couple. Also, June's freak out on the bus is like, weird and inaccurate.
Mr. &
Mrs. Smith> Brad & Angelina start their "romance". Secretly a movie about freemasonry as Smith is a freemason thing (they worship Tubal-Cain who is, like, THE original metalsmith). Essentially a bastardization of a Grail romance. But, you know, two of the sexiest, best looking people on earth band together to fight their respective spy agencies? I mean, yeah, I'll watch.
Jarhead> What war is "really" like: empty and full of masturbation and cuckoldery.
City of God
Two Weeks
Notice &
Casanova
Slumdog
Millionaire> Wish this film weren't fucked cuz it's pretty good otherwise.
Midnight in
the Garden of Good and Evil> Savannah sex slave story if you know how to see it.
Titanic
Patch Adams
Ender’s Game> My favorite book ruined. Fucking Harrison Ford. :(((
Little Women
x2 (90's version and modern version)
Super Troopers> Cops are in on the sex slave trade.
Ocean’s 11
& 12
Breakfast at Tiffany's> Bullshit "romance" between two prostitutes. But, you know, a classic (and a song that was the background music to my summer camp experiences growing up). And Audrey is, of course, breathtaking.
Movies I
Feel Nothing About
I, Robot
The Aviator
Narnia
A Knight’s
Tale
All the
Jackass’s
All the Lord
of the Rings
Lost in Translation
Tuck Everlasting
Movies I
Have All Kinds of Feelings About
Factory Girl> Andy Warhol ruins Edie Sedgwick's life. :(((
One Flew
Over the Cuckoo’s Nest> Jack Nicholson is a perv in a psych ward and gets his brain cut up. Sex is suppressed. Nurse Ratchet is an ice-cold, shit-show, horror villain.
The Door in
the Floor
All Bridget Jones’s
The Matrix Series> Great concept, interesting "Grail" drama, but too much subversive freemason imagery and I feel weird about the brothers who made it who were freemasons and now are women??? idk
Fight Club> One day I'm going to write about this insanity.
The Simpson’s
Movie> So many feelings...
The Graduate> So many feelings...
Enemy Mine> Used to be a favorite, now I don't super like... Mickey Mouse as a religious figure? Weird pseudo-references to Islam? NAH BRO.
The Virgin
Suicides> Sex slave film. Five super suppressed Catholic sisters kill themselves. Very picturesque film though. :(((
Movies I’m
Vaguely in Favor of
50 First
Dates
Divergent
The Dark
Knight
How to Train
Your Dragon
Office Space
Romy and
Michelle’s High School Reunion
Don Juan
Demarco
Movies I’m
Vaguely Annoyed With
My Big Fat
Greek Wedding> Dumb make over/gender roles/marriage movie that thinks being Greek is exotic.
Catch Me if
You Can> Two little mice? That's whack ass symbolism. Plus: sexism anyone??? Leo does a hell of an acting job, though.
Along Came
Polly
Australia
Meet Joe
Black> Just an excuse for Brad Pitt to be hot and act a fool.
Lock, Stock,
and Two Smoking Barrels
Walk the
Line
Bad Movies
Cake Taker: Vanity Fair> HATE.
Cake Taker: Garden State> Hate.
Cake Taker:
Cast Away> hate.
The Wizard
of Oz> Used in mind control techniques and programs, plus terrible symbolism, and my girl Judy is used all up.
American
Beauty
Taken> The dad and his daughter embrace in front of a bed when he "saves" her from life as a sex slave.
Little Miss
Sunshine> All dreams are dashed.
Bad Boys
Steel
Magnolias> Terrible symbolism (shooting birds at a wedding?????), wretched abuse of the Magdalene identity, horrible masonic men. They don't even show Julia Roberts and her man getting married, dancing at their wedding, or making love to make this dumb, life-ending baby. Plus poor Dolly is in a terrible marriage where she gets excited that her husband doesn't want her to die... Why?????
Chariots of
Fire> Soooo boring and for some reason, I can't tell the characters apart...
Moonlight> Really stiff, essentially empty movie about gay black boys/men hooking up, then one beats up the other one? Dunno why it won an Oscar. Boo.
Meatballs
Snatch
Edward
Scissorhands
The
Celestine Prophecy> NOT TRUE TO THE BOOK AT ALL, PEOPLE.
The Break-Up> Jen Anniston does a movie with Brad Pitt's costar in Mr. and Mrs. Smith (where he and Angelina met), Vince Vaughn, about "their" break up, right after she and Brad broke up? Idk girl. Bad, annoying movie anyway.
Sixteen
Candles
Phantom of the Opera> This is much better as a play.
Donnie Darko> Queer, wicked-seeming, dark movie.
Sweet Home
Alabama> The dynamic and dialogue between these two high school non-sweethearts is weird, unnatural, and, really, nonsensical.
Elizabeth> Turns my favorite historical character into a frigid spinster. :(((
Forrest Gump> Forrest is named after a Confederate hero, people; also, this is a retard joke movie as well as a weird "romance" between an off "Magician" and a suicidal "Prostitute". :(((((
Movies That
Offend Me
Bad
Lieutenant> A dirty cop gets everything he wants in the end? NAH BRO.
Remember the
Titans> Weird race/gender stereotypes in a bullshit Disney movie.
The Human
Stain> At the advent of Viagra, Nicole Kidman has an affair with a "black" Anthony Hopkins and they both die at the end? WTF weird.
Life or
Something Like it> Angelina Jolie "gets real" by marching with union workers after being given a death pronouncement by a crazy "fortune teller"? WTF weird.
Movies I
Just Can’t Seem to Get Through
Tomb Raider
Dogma
12 Monkeys
Movie’s I Just Haven’t Watched Yet
A History of
Violence
A Mighty
Heart
Stripes
The Good
Shepard> The intro to this movie just screams "We're watching you all have sex!" and I turn it off every time...
Movies That
Upset Me
Thelma &
Louise> Two Magdalenes rebel, get robbed and nearly raped, and then die? NAH BRO.
Braveheart> A Christ's Magdalene gets raped, then murdered, then he gets tortured to death? NAH BRO.
Practical
Magic> Terrible portrayal of witches, their love lives, and their dynamic together.
Mommie
Dearest> Just a person affront on a bad Hollywood mother with a terrible, pointless ending.
Lesbian
Movies
D.E.B.S.> First lesbian movie I ever saw, it's sooo good: a crook and a cop (spy) fall in love.
When Night
is Falling> Sexy ass film about a black circus girl who falls for a (straight [at first]) white church girl.
Bound> Hot movie with a femme Mob wife who rips them off with her butch handywoman. Great sex scene. Love the femme girl's make up.
Better Than
Chocolate> Amazing, pretty conceptual film about an itinerant artist who falls for a clerk at the local queer bookshop.
But I’m a
Cheerleader> HA! Funny, kitschy, clever movie with a young Natasha Lyonne about illicit love at conversion camp. I appreciate the "timelessness" of this movie in that you really can't super tell by the wardrobe or sets which era it's meant to be in: a comment on the chronologically ubiquitous nature of homosexuality.
*A Note: It upsets me to some degree that in all gay movies (boys included), the couple has to "run away" at the end. Why can't they just live their lives out together down the block? And in the movie where that's happening (The Kids Are Alright) things get all weird and fucked up and hetero-affaired. WTF (gay) HOLLYWOOD?
Good Ass
Christian Movies
War Room> LOVE.
The Shack> LOVE.
Flywheel> LOVE.
Movies
Secretly/Specifically About Freemasonry
Grumpy Old
Men
Follow Me,
Boys!
Bad
Influence
The Cable
Guy
The Glass
House
As Good as
it Gets
Memento
Billy
Madison
The Grand
Budapest Hotel
Twilight
Movies I’m
Throwing/Putting Away
The Italian
Job
Star Wars
Harry Potter
Kingdom of
Heaven
Say Anything
Management
North by
Northwest
Lethal
Weapon
The Fugitive
Miscellaneous
Movies
Shiva Rae
Daily Energy Vinyasa Flow Yoga
The Ten
Commandments
C. S. Lewis
Through the Shadowlands
The Movies I
Just Don’t Know How to Feel About
Constantine> Between the Heaven/hell thing, the suicide in the psych ward, and all the magic/exorcism I just don't know what to think or how to feel. Nice anti-smoking ending?
What Dreams
May Come
Runner Up Worst Movie Ever
Management> Horrible Jen Anniston "romance".
Carmen Jones
Just a terrible, HORRIBLE portrayal of women, especially black women, in the 60's. Carmen is a ho, steals a man who doesn't want her from a "good girl", then when he does want her, she leaves him for a richer man, then he kills her. So, so dumb and pernicious and ugly.
