I'M FAT. Yeah, you heard me: I'M FAT. Rotund, corpulent, big-boned, thick, plus size, chunky, heavy, and extra. All that. But basically, yeah, I'M FAT. For those of you who don't know, this wonderful Fat Bitch is standing in front of New York Fashion Week, flicking off all the skeletons inside.
I've been fat since late 2007 when I was first hospitalized for Bipolar Disorder and put in the psych ward for like two months where there's nothing to do except sit, sleep, and eat, and, for some reason, the food is GOOD. I gained about twenty pounds when I was 19, for a grand total of 157lb. I was, of course, mortified, and felt like absolute shit until I lost the weight early the next year. I remember writing down everything I ate and working out with this slap-happy trainer at the local golf club my mom paid for (because it mortified her to have a "fat" daughter, too, I suppose). I did lose the weight, for a while, and when you're that age, as we all know, being thin is everything.
But, yeah, I wish I weighed as little as 157lb now. I recently weighed myself as the doctor's (I do not own a scale) and I weigh fucking 223 lb! Now, that's not the most I've ever weighed (226 lb), but it basically is. Also, apparently I have diabetes now??? Ugh. I'd like to believe it has to do with the fact that I no longer super control my diet as I get nearly all my food from food pantries, which are super heavy on the carbs, but, really, it's me. PS- I just unbuttoned my pants :((( FUCK.
I get the carbs at these pantries, yeah, but I also get the sugar stuff, and yeah, that is my decision. Since I quit taking my meds a year ago and consequently stopped craving the absolute fuck out of sugar, I thought it was ok to eat it now? IDK. But every since I quit needing sugar, I've been eating it probably more. It seemed harmless because I wasn't craving it, I would just eat it because it was "good". But, nah bro, that shit is still a drug, still addictive, and still not really "naturally occurring". One of the reasons we can eat sugar to no end is that it's so rare in nature that we don't have a built-in stop-gauge against it. Or something like that. Basically, we, and our bodies, don't know when we've had enough sugar. And "they" fucking know that. (FUCKERS).
I've lost weight before but that shit is a fucking draggggg and I always gain it back. I did Quick Weight Loss and got down to like 169 lb one time. The first time I got serious about losing weight (after that initial time when I was 19), I was in Washington with my ex-fiancé and that was when I weighed 226 lb. I couldn't believe it. So I started walking and "cut out" sugar, because, if I'm being honest, at the time, each night me and my fiancé would go to the grocery store and get some dumb sugar to eat. The first time I went walking I could only walk around the track once. Also, I had to "prepare"; as in find some skin-tight short things to wear because when you're really fat, your thighs rub together and you have to take precautions against your skin rubbing together there and getting irritated when you walk a lot. It suuuucks, but you literally have to. Even when you're not working out, if you're just going to the mall and not wearing regular pants and plan on walking around for more than 20 minutes, you gotta plan for the thigh-rubbing issue and wear some sort of protection against it. It's terrible, but all fat people know about it. Ask 'em.
As for going to the mall: yeah, you can't wear any of that shit anymore. Even if you can afford it, you're in "BIG GIRL/BOY" clothes now. Plus-size, baby, all the way, day and night, until you lose that fucking weight. So, you gotta shop at special stores or at places that have a special section for fat ass bitches like you; all surreptitiously shopping, trying to hide their bulk between the aisles of extra-big clothing. And this sucks on many levels: first of all, that shit ain't cute. They don't put a lot of effort into designing clothes for fat people, apparently, and even if they do, it's just not as cute on as small clothes are on a thin frame. Second of all: if you go shopping with your normal-sized (straight-sized) friends, you can't buy anything and if you want to, you have to direct them towards those sections/stores, thereby letting them know just how fat you really are. It suuuuucccckkkkks. Third of all: you gotta try that poorly-designed shit on, see yourself in it, possibly show others, and then decide if it makes the cut of hiding your weight enough, let alone if it's even "attractive" clothes. Because when you're fat, you gotta dress for it (as well as consider it when you take/post pics...)
Other things that sucks about being fat: it's uncomfortable. Like, recently, I guess I've gained weight, and it doesn't feel good. It's not fun to have you body suddenly feel differently, for the worse. Like, my fucking pussy is fatter, and when I sit down now, I can feel it being bigger. My arms are starting to look like cellulitey old lady arms. My ass is gross. Also, stretch marks suckkkkk and they're a super thing. In addition, a lot of us fat bitches develop this shit called HS, which is just when you're skin gets fucked up in a special way because you can't lose weight, or some shit. It's weird: you get these acne-like blister things that can like burrow into your skin and create these kinds of caverns in your flesh that can fucking connected to each other. It's nuts. You can have two different blistery sites on your skin, but you know, and can feel, how they like, connect, under your flesh. It's so so gross. I remember when I was dating my ex, he and I used to like, take an exact-o blade and go to work on them shits. They're extra insane, too, because, like, they can have multiple chambers of bullshit. Like, you can puncture one and the blade goes into the puss and blood and all that but then surprise! There's another barrier, behind which is more pus and blood, and there can even be more puss-blood "chambers" behind that one. It's insane, uncomfortable, and it leaves scars.
I remember when I was like 16 at some summer art camp in New York, and for some reason my posse decided to have lunch with this super fat chick. At this lunch, the girl started telling me about these HS sores on her skin and I was so grossed out that later I told my friends I didn't want to hang out with her anymore or something and they all came down on me for being fatist. Which is ironic, because now I'm fat and have these sores myself. I actually wasn't particularly upset by her weight or size, but her telling me about these sores was just so gross. And now I have them. :((((( Just goes to show that what you judge, you one day become...literally. :(((
Other shit that sucks about being fat: it's harder to get hired and it's harder to get laid. Now, being fat and getting laid are obviously at odds, but getting hired??? Yes!!!!! :( Especially, if like me, you work in aesthetic fields. I remember back when I was trying to be an interior designer, I kept trying to work for this Susan lady who is a bigshot in the field. I would show up in my thinnest black at her offices, and try to dazzle anyone who would listen with my design acumen, conceptual skill, and aesthetic prowess (I'm actually a crazy talented designer). Pshhhh, like they cared. All they cared about was that I didn't "look like" an interior designer. I "looked like" I should work at Walmart, or a gas station, or a plus-size store, like Lane Bryant.
Ok, so my particular bodily manifestation of fat is in my stomach: I look like I'm fucking pregnant all the timmmmmme. Like, people ask me that shit, and I just play it cool now, because I'm used to it, which helps them not feel too terribly awful, which they really do and will every time. :( But yeah, my stomach protrudes an offensive amount, to me at least. I find this interesting, because I believe your stomach is where you hide/store your fear. Because I was a pretty serious athlete back in the day, I actually have well-developed stomach muscles (or so my gynecologist says when she feels them?). However, there are layers of sad, sad other developments over those now. It leads me to believe this has something to do with a malfunction in how I treat/handle my fear, or fear impulse, or something. Which makes sense, because while I, myself, do not "feel fear", I do, somehow and sometimes, make my fear other people's problem or something, when I'm always harping on and scaring people about the shadow government and all that. It's like part of my "shadow" that my "fear space" (stomach) is distended and gets in my way and the way of other people? IDK. Just a theory. I do "know", that women who have big hips sleep with many men and "store" those "experiences" there. But who knows, really?
Things that are hard to do while fat: shaving and wiping. It's actually harder to do anything while fat, but especially these two. Forget about shaving your pussy, man, you can't even see that shit. :( I mean, I do, but I can't super see what's going on down there, if you know what I mean. I'm always scared I'll miss a spot and some guy will be like, mortified, by my patch of pubic hair. IDK. And wiping, yeah, that gets harder the more weight you gain, for sure; to the point that I wonder what it's like for like 300 lb people to wipe, or like 500 lb people, for that matter. Do they have someone do it for them? Do they just not do it and walk (or more likely, sit) around with a crusty ass? Like, what's up??? These are the things you think about when you're overweight.
Speaking of, in the early years of being fat, I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT SHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And everyone who's put on weight knows about this. Your body changes in a negative way, you fucking notice. If it keeps getting worse, you think about that shit because you feel it and you feel it: in the way people look at you differently, the way the mirror reflects you differently, the way you look at yourself differently. You feel like a failure, like a fat piece of shit, like you don't want to go out (like my friend Shannon, who worked the condo's front desk where I lived in high school. I remember she was a perfectly normal-looking black girl, who would complain about how she wouldn't go out until she lost weight. I GET this now :((( ), like you don't want to go shopping (but you have to because you've outgrown all your clothes), like you don't want people to see you and you super, crazy, insanely don't want to look in the mirror. Everyone you see you're like: "They're skinnier than me, ugh, I hate myself", or "They're fatter than me, thank God". You eschew full length mirrors, you look away from your reflection in public, you stay out of photos. It suuuucks. And it just occupies the fuck out of your mind, dude. You may think "I'm fat" like 4 times in a minute. You may think it like 5 million times a day. And that only contributes to your being fat, honestly. Because we all know, our perception creates our reality: and if you think you're fat, you'll be fat. If you think about fat, you'll attract more fat. You just think fat when you're fat. The good news is: it wears off after about 12-13 years? IDK but I don't obsess over it as much anymore...
I remember I worked at my family member's business one summer and her secretary had this paper taped to her computer monitor that said some shit like "skinny feels better than food tastes". Ugh. Bitch.
Being fat makes you consider weird things, too, like back fat. Yeah, your fucking back gets fat when you're fat, and that shit can be soooo ugly. Like, so, so ugly. And you won't really know. It's tragic. I remember I went to a wedding where the bridesmaids wore backless dresses and maybe some of them would have been better served to wear something else, because I went home and looked at my back to make sure it didn't look as badly as some of theirs did. Beyond back fat, you consider other "strange" things like black fat. LOL, yeah, black fat, as in when you're fat, you tend to hook up with guys who are also kinda big sometimes, and I must say, I much prefer black fat to white fat. A black fat man is way cuter than a white fat man. IDK why. They just are. They're better tempered, too. Black fat guys tend to be funny nerds or extremely talented (Biggie) or at least good with money. Fat white guys drink a lot of beer, play a lot of video games, are shitty to their moms, and just generally have no redeeming value. And I will say: when you're thick, minorities are where it's at, man. They just don't mind all the jelly and some of them really like it, and seek it out. White guys have no tolerance for thickness. :(
Fatness also does weird shit, like fucks up your car, which I know, "doesn't make sense", but hear me out: your car is a symbol of your body. Like, a direct symbol. If you're car is dirty, inside or out, that speaks to something about your hygiene as well as your mental/emotional/spiritual state. Think about it: insecure guys with tiny dicks get big, jacked up jeeps and trucks, right? Because a car is a body, it's a body we can choose, paint, put stickers on, crash into other "bodies"/cars whatever. And it can get fucked up, like our regular bodies. So, if you're overweight it tends to come out in car problems. Other problems come out in car problems, too, but being overweight is certainly one of them. Like, if my car blows up, I start working out again, that kind of thing. IDK.
Other terrible side-effect of being overweight: your body can permanently change. Like, even if you lose the weight, if you were really fat for a really long time, and you lose the weight, your skin can suffer and lose its elasticity. Especially if you do it when you're past a certain age. It won't "snap back" like it could or like you would like it to, and it can hang loosely off your frame in a really obvious, unattractive way. Other terrible things about losing weight after being fat as shit (if you're a woman): your tits got all big when you were big and when you got smaller, so did your tits. Now, this in itself is disheartening, but wait, there's more! Your skin stretched out on them and probably didn't go back when you lost the weight, do now your tits are saggy. Yea, no more bright, round, perky tits. They may look ok still, but they're not the shining glory that they once were when you were young and thin. Plus, you have to learn to deal with how it feels to have that skin touching skin thing now that your boobs sag. :(
Even worse than that (for me) is that your face can change. For one thing, when I gained weight, it spun my hormones off balance or something and I began to grow hair on my chin. It was a PROBLEM. Like, I had to wax that shit, but that cost money and time and someone else knowing about my hairy ass chin and, like, dealing with it (and then expecting a tip). After a while, I bought my own wax kit, which was expensive, but also messy af. Wax gets everywhere and it's basically permanent. You can get out the nail polish or the blow torch and deal with it that way, but it takes a lot, and you can fuck shit up worse than it was before that way, too. The whole wax-pot thing gets sticky (as does your [red] face post-wax), it drips onto whatever surface you keep it on, and you have to keep buying those wax pots and wax strips, which is just terrible, because the strips just get thrown away! Also, after a decade of this, I'm pretty sure all this pulled the skin on my throat/chin down and I now have a turkey neck like an old lady. :( I have to take photos from high up and straight on and I sometimes think about how my profile is just fucked. The good news is, I, myself, don't' have to deal with this much, because I hardly ever view myself from the side. But, good God, other people see that shit! And, really, it's one of the least attractive traits you can have for your chin to just slope/fade into your neck with no definition. :(((
The GOOD news about being fat is that, of course, you eat whatever you want! I mean, that's worth it, to some degree. I remember I read a Postsecret about about some skinny bitch dreaming about binge eating, then waking up terrified that she had let any morsel of food pass into her mouth. It ain't like that when you're big. Yeah, you may hate yourself as you eat, but you do eat. You taste food, and swallow it, and feel it in your stomach, and then later, you cry as you shit it out. :( Other "good" things about being fat: you're much warmer than your thin friends. They'll pile on the layers during winter, while you're feeling frisky in a long-sleeve t-shirt. I call it "natural insulation" when they ask if' I'm cold. Also, there is a way in which you're more "comfy" to be physical with. Like, super hot, insanely thin, 16-year-old runway models are all bones and ribs and angles and you put two of them together, you may get fireworks and trapeze-like sex, but they try to lay together, and that shit can hurt (I've heard). If your super-chiseled cheekbone is crushing his/her crazy-exposed clavicle, you both got a problem. But if you've got "natural insulation" you won't have that problem! :) Worth it! NOT. :| But at least you can comfortably cuddle.
Now, I will say, as you get older, it becomes more ok for you to be fat. Like, I am growing into being more physically acceptable the older I get. I may not really look much different, but everyone else is slowly become more like me as we all get older. LOL. It's fun? IDK, but it's better than being the only fatty in the bar when you're in your 20's. Also, society itself is "growing" to be more like me. IDK if that's a good thing, but people like Lizzo, Ashley Longshore, and Ashely Tipton give me hope, and help me feel more normal and "represented" and "seen". They also make me realize that fat girls can a) make it and b) have skillz. So, while the "widening" of American may be bad overall, it's "good" for fat girlz like moi.
Some insane things I've done to lose weight: I've done multiple magic spells to lose weight, which have all had an effect, but not the full, desired, I'm-hot-again one I want. I once paid some bitch in Buckhead $3,000 for coolsculpting which was an INSANE waste of money, especially as it didn't work and that much money could change my LIFE right now. I've bought work out apps and paid for personalized meal-plans. I've been on those subscription meal programs. I did Quick Weight Loss and wrote down everything I ate and went in once a week to see a "weight loss councilor" to see if it was all "on plan". I have not done Weight Watchers, which I hear is very incremental, but more permanent than other programs. I also hear good things about Noom. I will say, I did Marianne Williamson's spiritual weight loss program and it didn't super work, but I think that may be because of all the voodoo, ill-will, and bad magic being used against me on that plane, but IDK.
But, let me just say: fat people are the BEST. We're the best friends, lovers, and advice-givers you'll ever meet. You wanna take advice form a skinny chick about your self-image problems? Nah, you want a fat girl for dat shit. You want head from a thin, beautiful babe? Nah bro, you want the heavy girl who has something to prove. We're not pretentious, we're very accepting, and we're not going to judge you on how you look, because, really, we've realized empirically and experientially that that ain't it. We talk to you, not your tits or your ass or your flat stomach. I mean, we can and sometimes do talk to all that, but we know a million other hotter people will have a better chance with those parts of you, so WE appeal to your mind, your soul, your sense of humor and empathy and decency. Because WE, ourselves, are very human and empathetic and decent. And part of the reason we are so, is because we're fat. We're so great, because other people have called us "fat asses" to our faces for however long we've been fat; we're so empathetic because we've been rejected after meeting up in person for a Tinder date; we're awesome because of all the other abuses society at large heaps on the heaping. We live that reality, every day, and we extend to you that same acceptance that we strive for within ourselves, others, and the world at large. We wake up EVERYDAY and struggle with what to wear to hide out upper arms, or our chunky thighs, or our protruding tummy. And then, after all that self-castigation, we go out into the world and look at the "normal-sized" people, and the cute clothes we can't wear, and the ads of young, thin, "perfect" models who seem to have everything we don't: a good job to buy those cute clothes to go out on those dates with those hot people who don't even look at us. So, yeah, we feel for you if you're in a wheelchair or wear a hijab or burka or have a stammer. We're here for it, because we know what it's like to have an obvious problem or be apparently different. We understand what it is to make people uncomfortable by just being yourself; to even offend certain people with your very presence. WE KNOW and WE FEEL FOR YOU and WE'RE HERE FOR IT ALL.
And, so, sometimes I think, at least for me, this is all part of the Universe's bigger plan for me. In the immediate now, I sometimes think it's good I'm fat because otherwise people would be upset at how fabulous and talented and brilliant I am (LOL). They would be jealous and intimidated and distracted by my hot, perfectly-sculpted, thin thin thin body, if I had one. But as I am, there's nothing to put someone at east socially like being fat. There's nothing to cut down your hubris like having to shop at plus-size stores. It just helps keep me more human that I'm fat, because, obviously, I'm a fucking angel/alien/unicorn otherwise. And as far as the future and the Universe's plans for my future are concerned, once you're fat, you'll always be "fat", in that that part of you doesn't die if you've lived it long enough. You'll always remember what it's like for a person to just overlook you because of your body shape, or reject you once you get undressed, or to even not be able to get it up because of your very appearance. That stuff lives with you, and affects how you interact will all others forever more. And so, really, I'm grateful (on some very high, high conceptual level) that I'm fat right now, and that I have been for so long, because it has, and will always, make me a better person. Just as an example: my best friend in high school was a bit thick (I look at old pics of us now and wish I were her size back then) but now she's thin, and is much more stuck-up and bitchy than she was in high school. I'd like to think I'm the reverse: I was bitchy back then because I could be: I was thin and hot and beautiful and no one could tell me shit; but now that I've been on the thick side for so long, I'd like to think I'm permanently kinder, gentler, slower, and more empathic than I ever was when I was "thin". So, really,
THANK GOD I'M FAT. :)))
